She's totally calculating how long it would take to reach the emergency exitISIS is a bunch of unstoppable murderous thugs trying to drag the Middle East into a New Medieval Order, and Pat Robertson couldn’t be more tickled by the prospect. You see, children, Brother Pat is excited by their goal of unifying Iraq, Syria, and chunks of Egypt into a radical Islamist caliphate, because he’s pretty sure that would fulfill a prophecy from Isaiah 19:

23 In that day there will be a highway from Egypt to Assyria. The Assyrians will go to Egypt and the Egyptians to Assyria. The Egyptians and Assyrians will worship together. 24 In that day Israel will be the third, along with Egypt and Assyria, a blessing on the earth. 25 The Lord Almighty will bless them, saying, “Blessed be Egypt my people, Assyria my handiwork, and Israel my inheritance.”

And by golly, doesn’t that just sound a heck of a lot like what’s happening right now? No? Well you just don’t know prophecy the way Pat Robertson does. Here, let Pat Biblesplain it for you: While Assyria no longer exists, and its peoples were scattered to the winds (Yossarian was the last know Assyrian), Pat Robertson sees no reason why it can’t be stitched back together to help God bring about the End Times. And if it has to be brought back into existence by a weird bunch of Islamist rednecks who’ve spent the last five years in the desert eating bark, bugs, lizards and leaves and imbibing pure Salaafist interpretations of the Koran, then that’s fine. After all, the prophecy says that they’ll turn to the LORD, and once ISIS reunifies all those territories, the international community could swoop in with some helicopters and bring them together, since they’d “play nice” with everyone (this should be all you need to see to know that Pat Robertson knows nothing about the Kurds, who are kind of into the fierce self-determination thing). But that’s Pat’s plan:

pick up the Kurds in Iran, pick up the Kurds in Turkey, pick up the Kurds in Syria, and pick up the Kurds in Iraq, and call it “Assyria” … and let them encompass current Syria and current Iraq and we would be fulfilling Bible prophecy, and it might well happen … Was that prophetic or I’m just playing games?

That’s quite a prophecy! And all that has to happen before that is for the LORD to send some bigtime suffering to Egypt:

4 I will hand the Egyptians over
to the power of a cruel master,
and a fierce king will rule over them,”
declares the Lord, the Lord Almighty.

5 The waters of the river will dry up,
and the riverbed will be parched and dry.
6 The canals will stink;
the streams of Egypt will dwindle and dry up.
The reeds and rushes will wither,
7 also the plants along the Nile,
at the mouth of the river.
Every sown field along the Nile
will become parched, will blow away and be no more.

OK, so you got your Muslim Brotherhood, they should be cruel enough, maybe. Add in some drought and plague — hey, there’s a biblical reason to ignore global warming, too! — and everything’s good. Once God has made Egypt sufficiently miserable, it will see the error of its way and worship Him in an appropriately Old Testament way:

18 In that day five cities in Egypt will speak the language of Canaan and swear allegiance to the Lord Almighty […]

21 So the Lord will make himself known to the Egyptians, and in that day they will acknowledge the Lord. They will worship with sacrifices and grain offerings; they will make vows to the Lord and keep them. 22 The Lord will strike Egypt with a plague; he will strike them and heal them. They will turn to the Lord, and he will respond to their pleas and heal them.

Now, obviously, we should totally wait until Egypt converts to Orthodox Judaism before we send any helicopters out to scoop up the Kurds for territorial redistribution. They may object, but we’ll just tell them we have this book that explains the whole thing, and then they’ll probably be cool with it.


Donate with CCDonate with CC
  • Ernie Clark

    If you want to understand Biblical prophecy read Acts 3:24. Peter was speaking to his contemporaries not to our generation. He states that “all the prophets” which would include the “Prophet, Priest, & King”, Jesus, prophesied of the events that were happening to them at that time. Revelation was not written in the 90 ad’s. It would be obvious to even a blind man that if it was written after the destruction of the temple in 70 ad, then surely John would have mentioned it. John even states that he is going through tribulation with those he was writing to. They were in the tribulation time. Revelation was written prior t0 70 ad. If you want a better grasp of true Bible prophecy read Last Days Madness: Obsession of the Modern Church by Gary Demar. Do not embarqe on mocking the Bible because of “little boy in the sandbox” false teachers. There are no prophets today. John was the last prophet. The end of Gods word was sealed with the end of Revelations. There will be no new revelation. We need no more. What man needs to do is study true history with “true” knowledge of the Bible and eliminate their racist tendencies. God is no favorer of nations any longer. There is neither Jew, nor Greek, nor Gentile. He favors those that are willing to be led by Him, regardless of ethnicity.

Previous articleBen Shapiro Just Doesn’t Get Why These Gays Have To Ruin Sports With Politics
Next articleWatch President Obama Share His Favorite Cat Gif Or Something