Michael Brown was Bruce Lee, tooIn a very important Newsmax interview that we won’t see a red cent out of your clicking on, former game show host and one-memorable-role actor Ben Stein courageously took on the myth that Michael Brown was an “unarmed teen,” because, as he told interviewer Steve Malzberg, Michael Brown had a weapon as deadly as any shiv or zip gun:

“The idea of calling this poor man ‘unarmed’ when he was six-foot-four, 300 pounds, full of muscles, apparently — from what I read in the New York Times — on marijuana, to call him unarmed is like calling Sonny Liston unarmed or Cassius Clay unarmed. I mean, this… he wasn’t unarmed. He was armed with his incredibly strong, scary self.”

And let’s be clear — the Founders wanted us to have guns. But the Constitution of the United States says nothing about anyone having the right to be a big black buck with brow ridges huge enough to crush Ben Stein with a single glance. Just being big and black makes you a suspect, frankly.

Also, asked Maalzberg, how about that Eric Holder? At the mention of the attorney general’s name, Stein emitted a pretty credible imitation of Lurch (the great Ted Cassidy) groaning. He is truly a master of political insight! But Holder’s presence in Ferguson proves that a fair trial is impossible for poor innocent victim Darren Wilson, who merely inactivated the deadly weapon known as Michael Brown. Why aren’t people building statues to him instead? But Holder is out to perform an actual lynching of Wilson, Stein explained:

There was a time, even in my youth … when lynchings of African Americans were not that incredibly rare. Now the lynchings are of the police, and it’s just an outrage! And by the way, notice that in both this case and in Trayvon [pronounced “Trə’VONN” by Stein — Dok Z] Martin’s case, it’s the very large so-called “victim” attacking a policeman, who winds up dead, and if they had just talked to the policeman in a reasonable way, no one would be dead.

And this, ladies and gentlemen, is one of the great intellects of the right: Ben Goddamned Stein is so certain that Trayvon Martin needed to be shot that he now remembers armed neighborhood watch vigilante George Zimmerman as being an actual policeman. It’s nice to know that Zimmerman isn’t the only one who had that fantasy, we suppose.


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