safe word is conjecture

Masterpiece Theatre: Fox News Re-Enacts Ferguson (THUG!) Cigarillo Caper

 

It could have happened this way

When Fox News dispatched intrepid reporter Griff Jenkins to cover the protests in Ferguson, Missouri, they no doubt expected their hard-hitting TV journalist would find a fresh angle on the story, something no one else would ever think to do, and he delivered on Tuesday night.

Everyone’s seen the security video of the robbery Mike Brown allegedly committed right before he was shot by Officer Darren Wilson, but you have not really seen it until you’ve seen it meticulously recreated, in split-screen, with Griff as the terrorized shopkeep and Fox News Senior Black Friend Ted Williams, former D.C. homicide detective and current criminal defense attorney, playing the role of Mike Brown the Cigarillo Thief.

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The groundbreaking Fox “investigation” into “the identical path that Brown walked in the minutes just before he was shot” on Greta Van Susteren’s show featured Ted and Griff doing their interpretive dance in the doorway of the Ferguson Market, then obstructing traffic on the street outside while Griff wondered out loud — why wouldn’t Mike Brown and his friend run away, rather than stroll, after stealing from the store? Ted had that figured out:

They did not see this as a robbery, meaning Michael Brown, at the time. I think in Michael Brown’s mind was that he had walked into a store and he had taken these cigarillos and that was the beginning and the end of it. It wasn’t like he had stolen money, it wasn’t like he had taken a gun and put it to the clerk’s head. So I don’t think he saw this, meaning Michael Brown, as a big deal.

Having explained that Brown was such a casual criminal that anything short of pulling a firearm on someone would be no big, the two “investigators” proceeded to the scene of the shooting and stood over the makeshift memorial while Ted narrated the events that had transpired there, according to his personal “investigation.” Local drivers blocked by the camera crew heroically refrained from plowing through them like a senior citizen who missed the brake at the farmer’s market.

obstructing traffic can get you shot

After Ted and Griff’s journey of imagination, Greta asked Ted whether he’d come across anyone from outside of Ferguson, since “we hear stories of outside agitators coming in.” Ted confirmed that he had met “numerous agitators.” Of course!

I have just about gotten into a confrontation with one… They are here. They’re coming in by trains, buses, and even by airplane. I met one agitator who is here who just flew in hours ago. And again, you gotta wonder: what are they up to? I can tell you, they have their own agendas. This thing is much bigger than Michael Brown.

Obviously, since this is now also about Griff’s promising future as the most sought-after actor in the dramatic re-enactment market.

poor griff we knew him well

[On the Record with Greta Van Susteren]

You can follow Beth on Twitter if you’re  not doing anything right now.

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