Don’t you just hate how Democrats can not stop blah blahing 27 hours a day about impeaching President Obama for Stuff and Reasons and Things? It is like, Republicans are trying to do the Lord’s work, investigating IRSfauxghazigate and repealing Obamacare for the fifty-teenth time and taking pictures inside giant vaginas (okay, that’s just the Romney family, but they do make up approximately 30 percent of the GOP). Except the stupid White House has ordered Democrats to talk about impeachment ALL day long, so now — sigh — House Speaker John Boehner has to take time out of his busy day of drunk-crying to respond to these absurd impeachment rumors, which Democrats TOTALLY started:
“Listen, this whole talk about impeachment is coming from the president’s own staff, and coming from Democrats on Capitol Hill. Why? Because they’re trying to rally their people to give money and to show up in this year’s election,” the Ohio Republican told reporters, in response to a question.
“We have no plans to impeach the president. We have no future plans,” a visibly frustrated Boehner said. “Listen, it’s all a scam started by Democrats at the White House.”
Well, okay then. All those IMPEACH! words you’ve been hearing since, oh, approximately January 2009 came from Democratic wordholes. Heck, Republicans had never even heard the word “impeachment” until Obama started it and also he who smelt it dealt it and also your mom, because apparently we are all FIVE FUCKING YEARS OLD.
You know what we have to do now, right, kids? Yes, we have to. We MUST squiggly-line flashback now. It is the law.
Rep. Louis Gohmert, who is a Republican:
When asked whether he would allow the government to default on its debt, Gohmert projected the responsibility for such circumstances onto Obama.
“No,” he said, “that would be an impeachable offense by the president.”
Sen. Tom Coburn, who is also a Republican:
I don’t have the legal background to know if that rises to high crimes and misdemeanor but I think they’re getting perilously close.
Rep. Steve King, also a Republican, huh, at a Republican clubhouse meeting ALL ABOUT I-wording the president:
[Impeachment is] the word that we don’t like to say in this committee, and I’m not about to utter here in this particular hearing.
King’s stoic refusal to say the I-word, even at the double super secret I-word committee meeting, was THEN, before Boehner said, “Nobody is talking about impeaching the president, stop saying that, cut it out, you guys, SERIOUSLY.” Does King have further, shinier, newer thoughts? He does!
“From my standpoint, if the president [enacts more executive actions], we need to bring impeachment hearings immediately before the House of Representatives. That’s my position and that’s my prediction,” Rep. Steve King (R-IA) told Breitbart.com over the weekend.
Aw, that’s nice. Guess King got over his I-wordphobia, but he didn’t actually say that, that never happened, no one is talking that way, Boehner said so!
Rep. Blake Farenthold, who is also a Republican, wow, this is getting weird, almost like some sort of trend or something:
If we were to impeach the president tomorrow, you could probably get the votes in the House of Representatives to do it.
Rep. Jason Chaffetz, can you guess what he is? CAN YOU?
“They purposefully and willfully misled the American people, and that’s unacceptable,” Chaffetz tells me. “It’s part of a pattern of deception.”
Behind the scenes, he says, House Republicans are frustrated by the White House’s evasiveness, and the calls for impeachment will likely increase.
And finally (for now), House Majority Whip Steve Scalise who is, well, you know. And he is totally NOT saying he will impeach the president wink wink wink wink wink WINK:
Wallace: Will you consider impeaching the president?
Scalise: [Many words, none of which are "no."]
Wallace: So if he overreaches again on executive action to defer more deportations, what will the House do?
Scalise: We made it clear we’re going to put options on the table to allow the House take legal action against the president when he overreaches his authority. [Many more words, none of which are "impeachment," but also none of which are "impeachment is off the table," like that time Speaker Nancy Pelosi was speaker and straight-up said "impeachment is off the table."]
Wallace: But Impeachment is off the table?
Scalise: [More words. Still, none of them are "no."]
Wallace: I’m asking you, sir.
Scalise: The White House will do anything they can to change the topic away from the president’s failed agenda. [Blah blah blah words meaningless words blah.]
But yeaaaaaaaah, Republicans don’t even want to talk about impeachment, no really, they do not, NO REALLY. (Except for Sarah Palin. She wants to talk about it all day every day forever and ever until she gets sick of talking about it and quits.) It’s just that mean ol’ Obama, the worst mom-jeans-wearing pushover tyrant in history, is MAKING them talk about it because he WANTS to be impeached. At least, that’s what the memo to all Republicans clearly said, because they are all falling in line to spread the gospel:
In an interview with conspiracy website WND (which has its own “Impeachment Store”), Rep. Steve Stockman (R-TX) told conspiracy theorist Jerome Corsi that President Obama “wants us to impeach him now” because “his senior advisors believe that is the only chance the Democratic Party has to avoid a major electoral defeat. Evidently Obama believes impeachment could motivate the Democratic Party base to come out and vote.”
And of course Fox “News” is doing its part to make America dumber:
On the July 29 edition of Fox News’ Fox & Friends, co-host Brian Kilmeade suggested Obama is trying to “bait” Congress into impeaching him by overreaching on the implementation of immigration policies. Doocy replied, “Brian, to your point about impeachment, only Democrats are talking about it. Republicans, conservatives, not talking about it. Only Democrats. It’s to gin up the base before November.”
Do the selfless folks at Media Matters, who watch Fox “News” so we don’t have to, have some embarrassing clip of the same Fox idiots on the same show talking to a conservative who is talking about impeachment? NATURALLY.
Since we’re already knee-deep in filth and will need a Silkwood shower anyway, let’s check on Glenn Beck, the man so bugfuck crazy even Fox “News” couldn’t justify keeping him around.
“Do you think anyone in Washington in the GOP is serious about impeachment?” Beck continued. “Do you think one person? Have you spoken to one person? Not one. So who wants it? The president does. Because then he’ll be able to say, ‘I demand justice.’”
If you do not recall the time President Obama said, “Yes, I would like to be impeached pretty please,” no, it’s not because you did too many frickin’ club drugs, it’s because that never happened. You know what DID happen? You know who DID call for impeaching the president? Yeah, of course you know. It is Glenn Beck. Of course.
Annnnnnyway. It seems like Republicans are playing one of their all-time favorite games, wherein the batshit crazy wing of the Republican Party says batshit crazy things, and then the supposedly more serious Republicans say, “Hey, that’s batshit crazy, we would never be THAT batshit crazy!” so they can push something that is TOTALLY batshit crazy but is supposed to seem somehow less batshit crazy. Like, for example, “Oh no, we would never impeach the president, that’s batshit crazy, instead we will just sue him for being president because that is NOT batshit crazy.”
Yes, Republicans play weird games.
It really is too bad Boehner is trying to hide behind his silly lawsuit instead of fully embracing the I-word. It’s so weak. So mom jeans. A REAL man wouldn’t pussyfoot around with some dumb lawsuit; he’d shove that high crimes and misdemeanors part of the Constitution down the president’s throat like it was gay marriage in Utah. It’s a shame the former Speaker of the House and Impeacher-in-chief Newt Gingrich isn’t still around to give Boehner a tip or two about how to really bring down a president. What happened to him and his party again after he so successfully impeached Bill Clinton and removed him from office and taught him a lesson about how you should never bang ladies who are not your wife, and a grateful nation thanked Newt and the GOP? I forget.
Follow Kaili Joy Gray on Twitter. President Obama says you have to.