I Am Mad About A Thing

I Take Birth Control Because I’m A Slutty Slut Who Sluts So Hard. You?

MadAboutAThingOkay, so, birth control. It’s this, like, medication-type thing, right? Like Advil for your aches and pains. Or aspirin so you don’t stroke out or have a heart attack. Or Flintstones vitamins so you grow up big and strong enough to turn a dinosaur into a car. Or Viagra so when you and your bros jet off to the Dominican Republic to bang some prostitutes, your floppy flaccid dick actually gets hard, but of course you have the prescription filled in someone else’s name because HELLO, when it comes to sex pills, you are all, like, I want “to PROTECT MY PRIVACY, given the potential embarrassing nature of Viagra.” Understandable, of course, because when you’re popping sex pills, it’s sort of no one’s business, right, RUSH LIMBAUGH? (Yes, that was an actual quote from the actual Rush Limbaugh. Feel free to mock that FOREVER.)

Anyway, birth control is pretty much like that. It is a medication type thing that some women (basically all women, like 99 percent of them) use in a medication type way for medical type reasons, such as, for example, endometriosis, which is extremely painful and can be treated with birth control. Such as also for example not wanting to grow a baby inside your body, which can be avoided with birth control. Such as also too for example you are getting married and then going on a fabulous two-week honeymoon to a five-star hotel on the beach, and you do NOT want to be a crampy, bloody, bloated bridezilla, so you’d like to skip it altogether please, which is possible with birth control. Stuff like that.

How. EVER.

There is one teeny tiny almost-not-worth-mentioning minor difference between birth control type medication and EVERY OTHER SINGLE TYPE OF MEDICATION. No one forces grandma to explain why she takes those baby aspirin every morning. We’ve never hauled kids in front of Congress to kidsplain why it is important for them to take their vitamins. Last time I checked, there were no laws restricting Rush Limbaugh’s access to boner pills, no Supreme Court justices scoffing at his “health” problems, no Bible-humpers telling him his limp dick is God’s will and that he is messing with the primal forces of nature, and also making Jesus sad, which violates the First Amendment now because everything is terrible.

But for some reason (see above re: everything is terrible), there is this expectation that women should justify why they REALLY need their medication so that the American public can decide, in its consistently infinite wisdom, whether those reasons are legitimate (nope, apparently they never are, HUH, WEIRD), or maybe those sex pill-popping sluts should just CLOSE THEIR LEGS! and buy a pack of condoms at the liquor store even though condoms don’t actually treat endometriosis or control your period, but what does that have to do with anything, right?

In response to the current non-stop drumbeat of derp about birth control — including from some lady idiots called Catholic Sistas who say they don’t use birth control because it is just like arsenic, and it objectifies women, and also fertility is their superpower — some women are fighting back and getting all “Oh YEAH?” to those idiots who think if slutty sluts who slut so hard would just stop slutting, no one would even need birth control. In an interesting twist, Buzzfeed recently published a listicle type thingy that didn’t suck, in which 22 Buzzfeed ladies explained why they use birth control. (FYI, No. 5 is the best one and the only one that matters.)

On Tuesday, “Girls” creator and star and hipster feminist icon Lena Dunham tweeted a thing, which has everyone talking because Lena Dunham.

I need birth control because I have endometriosis and it helps manage pain. Why do you?

I really do understand why women are fighting back by trying to edumacate the masses about what birth control is and why women use it. But the thing about the unedumacated masses is, they don’t give a fuck. Lena Dunham is not going to change Sean Hannity’s belief that birth control is just for sexing, and you should buy your own damn sexing tools at 7-11. And I guaran-fucking-tee you that all the “religious” whiners who SINCERELY believe that birth control kills babies worse than Hitler are not going to stop shaming or suing if only they’d read these 22 reasons why Buzzfeed ladies use birth control.

Sure, I too could join the fight and selfie myself with a handwritten note about why I have used birth control in my life. I could tell you a sob story about the time in high school I period-ed SO HARD that I blood-soaked my skirt, and my mom had to pick me up from school, and I was totally humiliated and grossed out, and that’s when my mom was all, “Yeah, I think you might want to be on birth control to regulate that shit, and I don’t have time to pick your blood-soaked ass up from school once a month.” (She didn’t say it exactly like that, because my mom is A Lady who is always telling me she doesn’t care for my potty mouth, but she’s not the boss of me anymore, so fuck that.)

But you know what? I won’t. (Even though I just did.) Because my menstrual sob stories don’t mean a thing to the people who are as mad as hell and not going to take it anymore, wherein “it” is “living in a world where pretty much all women use birth control,” and luckily for them, the Supreme Court has said (yep, still mad about that) you have a right to not take it anymore if you SINCERELY don’t want to.

Fuck that. Fuck those mad as hell people. Fuck the Court. Fuck Sean Hannity and his idiotic “medical” advice to treat your endometriosis with condoms, hot diggity damn, what an idiot. Fuck Rush Limbaugh, who has no problem calling women sluts for taking sex pills — and demanding to see their sex tapes! — but thinks HIS sex pills are a private matter. Fuck every functionally illiterate mouth-breather on Twitter who says “JUST STOP HAVING SEX” and “i dont want 2 pay for you’re birth cntrl” and the like. Fuck every single person who thinks their opinion matters, when they don’t know me or my body or my reasons, and also they did not go to medical school so why would I even want their “medical” opinions? Fuck every single Catholic bishop who is so goddamned busy complaining on the tee vee and suing the government and calling for VIOLENT opposition to birth control, because yeah, that’s so what Jesus would do.

This is America, as these people never tire of reminding us. And that means I have a legal right to use birth control, and it also means I have a legal right to my privacy when it comes to my health care, and THAT means I don’t have to justify a damned thing to anyone. I don’t need a note from my doctor to the world explaining why MY reason for using birth control is justifiable. It’s ALL justifiable. Birth control is safe and legal and NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.

So I think I’ll be opting out of the latest effort to edumacate the masses, though I guess I wish those women well and who knows, maybe a miracle will happen and it will work, and all the opponents of birth control will say, “Well, gee, when you put it like that, I guess I don’t have a problem with it!” (Spoiler: That’s not going to happen.) Forget my bloody teenage sob story or any of those other reasons I might use birth control that have nothing to do with whom and how and how often I do sex.

So yeah. Let’s say I use birth control because I am a slutty slut who sluts so hard, and thank the Christ there is a safe and legal and FDA-approved medication I can take to avoid any of the unwanted consequences of slutting so hard, which is my safe and legal and FDA-approved right. So WHAT?

Follow Kaili Joy Gray on Twitter. She sluts so hard.

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