House GOP Has Final Solution For Border Children: Keep Them All In Baby Jail

You may be surprised to learn that the GOP wants to repeal and replace a thing, but this time they actually have a replacement for the thing they want to repeal! The thing they want to repeal and replace this time isDACATVPRA*, the 2008 law signed by George W. Bush that says that children from places that are neither Canada nor Mexico can't be summarily turned around at the border, but must have their day before an immigration judge to see whether they qualify for refugee status -- and that while they're waiting that year or decade, they can't be put in Baby Jail, but must be held in the least restrictive way possible.

The House GOP would like to know: where is the fun in that? And so they have come up with an alternative to the "president's" stupid plan to add more guards to the border (which is where the children are being apprehended because of the lax security there) while also paying for some immigration judges, nurse practitioners and cheese sandwiches. Here is the GOP House's alternative recommendation, you will never guess what it is!

While there could be some last-minute changes, one of the recommendations will be that children should be detained until they see an immigration judge.

Oh, we guess you probably did guess that. Weird.

Any other recommendations, House GOP?

• Changing a 2008 law to allow allow immigrant children at the border to be voluntarily and more swiftly returned to their home countries rather than be held for deportation hearings. Many Senate and House Democrats, including the Congressional Hispanic Caucus, have already said they would oppose this;

• Providing more National Guard involvement in humanitarian relief efforts, such as help in providing shelter, food, and health care;

• "Changing the narrative" by promoting—perhaps through advertisements in Central America—the notion that the U.S. will send immigrants back home if they do not arrive legally.

Hmmm, that is pretty much the Hillary Clinton Plan for dealing with the border children, now that we think about it! (She did not actually say the babies should stay in Baby Jail, that we know of, but she sure has come a long way from the Rose Law Firm, huh?)

The picture at the top of this post is from the New York Times. Alejandro is eight years old. He is presenting his birth certificate -- the only thing he carried, and which he pulled, neatly folded, from his pocket -- to the nice border guard man. Alejandro is very brave! The man is very nice! Alejandro has some cold water, even if the bottle is bigger than he is. And Alejandro will get his due process, and the judge will either say that Alejandro may stay, or he may not. It is the law, that Alejandro gets to see a judge before being sent back -- or not! -- to Honduras. And until that time comes, Alejandro is to be kept in the least constrictive manner possible. He can stay with family -- if they can find his parents, who he thinks are in San Antonio, or his aunt, who he thinks is in Maryland -- or he can come live with me and sit on my lap and I will sing him songs about Mickey Mouse and Barb will send him some stuff from Toys R Us. He can go to school and learn English -- Alejandro is probably whip-fucking-smart, and eight years old is a great time to immigrate. (Data shows older teens have a rough time assimilating, but eight years old is a real sweet spot.)

I looked at that picture for three days last week, like it was a picture of mayonnaise or something, and I was a writer for Gawker. Alejandro is a baby. He's a smart, brave baby. He's a baby.

We definitely should put Alejandro in jail.

*DACA was Bamz's executive order; TVPRA is the anti-trafficking law signed by George W. Bush. Sorry for the brain-puke.

[ NationalJournal ]