It’s been a rough couple years for good old traditional Jesus marriage. You had the Supreme Court make DOMA go away last year, and then pretty much every state, even the super-conservative ones, have been all like “sure, get gay married, whatevs.” Weirdly, the Republic has not yet collapsed, but the final straw probably just got laid atop America’s coffin, or some equally overheated metaphor, because the 7th Circuit Court of Appeals just ruled that godless atheists can perform wedding ceremonies in Indiana. America, you had a good run.
A federal court has ruled that humanist couples in Indiana can be married by their own “secular celebrants,” something that until now was illegal under state law.Related video
In a unanimous ruling, the Chicago-based 7th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals said denying humanists the right to be married by celebrants who share their lack of belief in a deity is a denial of their First Amendment rights to freedom of religion.
This must have been the work of some liberal activist Obama appointee who swore a blood oath to Satan to undermine traditional marriage, right? Oh no wait, it was Ronald Reagan appointee Frank Easterbrook writing for the court and he did not seem to have many nice things to say about requiring that you believe in some sort of higher power in order to be allowed to join together your drunk friends in holy matrimony.
“It is irrational to allow humanists to solemnize marriages if, and only if, they falsely declare that they are a ‘religion,’” he wrote. “It is absurd to give the Church of Satan, whose high priestess avows that her powers derive from having sex with Satan, and the Universal Life Church, which sells credentials to anyone with a credit card, a preferred position over Buddhists, who emphasize love and peace. Like many others, humanists want a ceremony that celebrates their values, not the ‘values’ of people who will say or do whatever it takes to jump through some statutory hoop.”
Though the ruling is currently stayed, a federal judge struck down Indiana’s gay marriage ban last month as well. Is it too much to hope that in another year or so we’ll be able to watch a parade of evil secular humanists make everyone in the state get mandatory gay married? We’ll keep our fingers crossed.