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Were you thinking that Monday’s Supreme Court rulings represented the nadir of awfulness for this Court term and maybe also too your natural life, law-wise, but at least you could rest easy until October when the Court would start fucking up your life again? Haha when will you ever learn?

In theory, the Hobby Lobby case was only about the four types of birth control that the god-grubbing craft store thumbsuckers specifically objected to because they think they cause the ‘bortions: two types of “morning after” pills and two types of IUDs. Fun fact: many other corporations are even MORE Jesus-y than Hobby Lobby, so along the way they had also too sued the government to be shielded from the trauma of their lady employees doing any sexing with their lady parts that didn’t result in babbies. Tuesday, on the real quiet down low, the Supremes issued several orders in those other cases that make clear that the Hobby Lobby travesty can be read to encompass all religious objections, as long as those religious objections are related to birth control, of course.

First up, the Court tossed out a Sixth Circuit ruling against Autocam (oh hell yeah we’re naming all these companies so you can have a handy list of who not to patronize), a Catholic automobile and medical parts company that said they could not “provide, fund, or participate in health care insurance that covers artificial contraception, including abortifacient contraception, sterilization, and related education and counseling.” Well, heavens, no, of course not. By remanding this to the lower court to reconsider in light of Hobby Lobby, the Supremes have basically given a green light to a holding that a company can refuse to provide birth control methods of any sort and maybe even sterilization services. Good luck if you need the latter for your health or well-being!

Ditto for the cool Catholic dudes who own Freshway Foods and Freshway Logistics and also oppose contraception, sterilization and abortion. Weird how none of these super-Catholic guys has any moral objection to boner pills, amirite?

If you live in Colorado, you should make sure to avoid needing any HVAC services from the god-fearing people at Hercules Industries, as now their Catholic owners might feel emboldened to come to your house and look in your medicine cabinet and see if you take any slut pills. Or perhaps while they’re working on the AC, they can just take a look inside your vagina to make sure you haven’t stopped up its baby-birthing functions in any way.

Over in the Seventh Circuit, some Catholic families doubled up for some hot hot closely-held corporation on closely-held corporation action to claim that any sterilization or contraception services that weren’t for medical reasons that aren’t the whole not-getting-pregnant medical reasons would make their God very sad.

Korte & Luitjohan Contractors, Inc. cannot arrange for, pay for, provide, facilitate, or otherwise support employee health plan coverage for contraceptives, sterilization, abortion, abortion-inducing drugs, or related education and counseling, except in the limited circumstances where a physician certifies that certain sterilization procedures or drugs commonly used as contraceptives are being prescribed with the intent to treat certain medical conditions, not with the intent to prevent or terminate pregnancy, without violating our religious beliefs.

You will be unsurprised to learn that, just as in Hobby Lobby, this company’s insurance plan already provided for sterilization and birth control services prior to the mandate, but then something something something babies Jesus Obama tyranny. Their co-plaintiffs in this lawsuit are an Indiana company called Grote Industries, so stay away from them too.

Oh, we have saved the very best for last. If you’ve been patting yourself on the back thinking that your cool hippie liberal organic urban farmer type lifestyle will keep you free of dealing with zealots like the companies above, think again. Take a gander at Eden Foods, a super-large organic food company based in Michigan that hates things like GMOs, irradiation, plastics containing BPA, pesticides, and birth control.

Eden Foods chairman Michael Potter said he is grateful the United States Supreme Court came down on his side in a religious rights dispute over a federal mandate to provide contraceptives in employee health insurance.

“I am very grateful to hear today that the Supreme Court has protected the rights of the Constitution for the people of the United States,” Potter said.

Yeah, there’s really nothing that comes through clearer in America’s founding documents than the idea that a small group of people should be able to impose their narrow religious views on other people, for freedom. God bless us all.

[SCOTUSblog/Daily Telegram]

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