Dick And Liz Cheney Wax Nostalgic About How Great War Was When They Ran Things

We never remember what the paywall rules are over at the Wall Street Journal, so we can't guarantee you'll even be able to read the the link we're about to yell about, but once you check out the yelling, you may not actually want to read the WSJ piece. Lord knows we wish we hadn't.

We already knew this week was Old Home Week for Iraq War Enthusiasts, thanks to Tony Blair's lengthy piece about how much he loved invading Iraq so much that he would gay marry invading Iraq. It was really only a matter of time before someone fed Dick Cheney enough human blood that he could crawl out from his subterranean lair, scoop up his equally bloodthirsty spawn, and bludgeon one of his slaves until they ghostwrote him a WSJ thing about how kickass everything in Iraq was until the black guy came along and fucked it all up.

We debated just cutting and pasting the whole thing for your edification/heart-attack-inducing levels of rage, mainly because nothing we say as parody could exceed the scope of the actual words that Dick Cheney's minion vomited up, but then we remembered (1) there's a thing called copyright; (2) Dick Cheney is probably a litigious motherfucker; and (3) the Editrix won't pay us when we just reprint things whole. So here goes.

Rarely has a U.S. president been so wrong about so much at the expense of so many. Too many times to count, Mr. Obama has told us he is "ending" the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan—as though wishing made it so.

Ahem.

We stand in awe at the level of casual forgetfulness it takes to forget you crowed over finishing a war you actually hadn't finished. Is it just because he was involved in so many wars, do you think?

Isn't this fun? Let's do more.

Iraq is at risk of falling to a radical Islamic terror group and Mr. Obama is talking climate change. Terrorists take control of more territory and resources than ever before in history, and he goes golfing. He seems blithely unaware, or indifferent to the fact, that a resurgent al Qaeda presents a clear and present danger to the United States of America.

Ahem.

WE SAID AHEM.

Oh, and let's not forget how sexxxxy and muscular America used to be under Dickie's nominal boss and also too how great war was and how great war would be again, because wars are totally free and inconsequential.

Al Qaeda and its affiliates are resurgent and they present a security threat not seen since the Cold War. Defeating them will require a strategy—not a fantasy. It will require sustained difficult military, intelligence and diplomatic efforts—not empty misleading rhetoric. It will require rebuilding America's military capacity—reversing the Obama policies that have weakened our armed forces and reduced our ability to influence events around the world.

You know what weakened our ability to influence events around the world? Exhausting our military resources on your buddy Shrub's Iraq war, a war based on a complete passel of lies, because you guys weren't happy enough bashing in only one flavor of Middle Eastern skull. You know what else weakened our ability to influence events around the world? Being the kind of fuckers that started wars for no reason. Bamz has been trying to drag us out of that fuckuppery since taking office.

Seriously, there's literally only one sentence in here that is informative instead of appalling, and that was penned by the WSJ staff, reminding us that Liz Cheney was a deputy assistant secretary of state for near eastern affairs during the Bush administration. Wait, scratch that. That's fucking appalling too. Crawl back in your crypts, Cheney and Cheney Child.

[ WSJ ]