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Go home, Celestia, you're drunk!As promised, here’s part 2 of our Big Dear Shitferbrains Clearance Sale, in which we’ll clean out some of the sludge that has been fermenting in our comments queue. For this one, we’ll scoop out some messages from assorted Gun Fondling Angerbears; next time, we’ll get to the Bergdullards who love the Troops so much that they wish one of them had never come home.

Our first note comes from “textopcat,” who has been featured in Dear Shitferbrains twice before; under our Three Derps policy, he (don’t ya think?) has now earned himself a tap on the noggin (or on his IP address at least) from the Banhammer of Loving Correction. But first, his swan song. In response to our piece on Open Carry Texas’s Great Big Home Depot Gun HumpPalooza, textopcat took dead aim at the pure meanness and illogic of people who think some kind of regulations on guns might be a good idea (you know, Nazis):

Why is it that gun control extremest always are concerned about the penis size and call anyone that disagrees a racist. It seems they must have nothing reasonable to support their obviously wrong side of this issue.,

(punctuation in original) We would like to offer an alternative interpretation: People make jokes about gun-humpers’ having teensy iddle pee-pees because of the pernicious influence of Sigmund Freud. Also because dick jokes are funny, and this is a dick-joke mommyblog. But you just keep feeling like you’ve won, you poor precious flower, with your terribly effective rhetoric. Hey, have you considered claiming that we’re only mocking you guys because we’re jealous?

Textopcat also attempts to refute us with Logic and Evidence! He began by explaining that only A Idiot would worry about a bunch of guys parading around with firearms, throwing Gary’s slurs on gunboys right back at us:

“Terrifying the living shit out of small children and making non-gun humper parents have to explain that no honey, the dirty, crazy-looking rednecks in scruffy beards and faded Judas Priest Ram It Down Tour 1988 t-shirts will not hurt you with those guns?” What a stupid thing to say. No one should ever feel threaten or fearful of a person merely because they have a gun. In fact, a citizen with a gun makes you more safe even than a police officer with a gun.

And as proof, he provided links to a whopping seven articles about various incidents where cops shot civilians, either with stray shots, malice, or out of sheer incompetence; there were also a couple of articles showing that concealed-carry permit holders commit very few crimes. Silly us — because of our liberal bias, we actually think that makes a pretty compelling case that even presumably well-trained gun handlers like police officers are often fucking idiots when it comes to handling their weapons. And let’s also remember that any proposal to require training for gun owners, no matter how limited, no matter who makes it, results in howls of “you want to confiscate ALL ARE GUNZ!!!!”

Textopcat’s final sign-off is a reply to another comment (which we don’t allow) in which he explains his perspective one more time, giving us some perspective on what’s truly offensive: Democrat Ladies who offensively run for governor.

Well speak for your self, they are expressing their first amendment right in a legal manner. And yes you can be offended if you like, however, just remember that when we feel offended when we see a Wendy Davis sign, she is much more dangerous.

Let’s all pour one out for textopcat. But only if you have a can of something awful that’s gone flat.

We also received a potpourri of great thoughts from “moviewatch” on another piece on Open Carry Texas; most of them are replies to other comments (which we don’t allow), so who knows what the full context is. In the first, moviewatch demands EVIDENCE, presumably from a commenter who’d mentioned the much-used number of “30,000” firearms deaths a year. Moviewatch can’t stand that not every comment comes with a works-cited list, apparently:

Where did you get this information? please post so people can look at it themselves instead of just relying on what you say. Is this just homicides? homicides and suicide? Does this include legidimate self defence that resulted in deaths? Please specify. Thank you in advance

Yeah, Wonkers, stop lying about gun numbers,which cannot be looked up by anyone on this here internet. Instead, be honest, and admit that on average, 2/3 of deaths involving guns are suicides — about 20,000 a year, so you don’t even need to care about those 20K people as part of “public safety.” In comparison, the 11,000 or so homicides a year are nothing to worry about. And heck, there’s only about 600 accidental gun deaths a year, so shut up about it. We can spare a few toddlers now and then, since people keep making more.

Moviewatch also had these observations:

  • I am a responsible gun owner. I passed the asvab with a 93. Just because people own firearms doesn’t automatically stupid. Also there are some very intelligent people in the military. Like the saying goes if you won’t stand behind them feel free to stand in front of them.
  • Also just because he has a gun doesn’t automatically make him a bad guy either
  • if you love australia so much then move there. the second amendment was put there to protect us from the government. Not saying that our government is there yet but if it ever got to where it actually got like north korea, nazi germany, etc. we would be able to resist more effectively. also the second amendment protects your right to say things like that.

You got it, people? Just because people own firearms doesn’t automatically stupid. And it doesn’t automatically poor proofreaders, either. Besides, when our government becomes exactly like north korea’s, you’ll be glad you’re not in Australia. Were there no second amendment, there would be no first, which is why no one in Canada, Britain, and Europe is able to speak freely.

Our post-election story on people who felt disenfranchised by being asked not to Open Carry while voting drew the ire, if not the fire, of “_Shpoopel_,” who we’ll assume is a Family Guy or Music Man fan. Specifically, _Shpoopel_ did not care for the hed: “Gun Humpers Fight For Their Right To Shoot Up All The Polling Places, For Freedom”

Right to carry does not mean “right to shoot up”. The fact that you’d lie about that removes any possible credibility you may have.

Strangely, though, _Shpoopel_ didn’t also point out that they are not in the habit of engaging in frottage with their beloved gun, so we’ll assume that “gun humpers” is in fact an accurate term.

Like moviewatch, _Shpoopel_ also liked the technique of refutation through demanding data:

On the question of facts, what makes an assault weapon more dangerous than weapons that don’t fit the “assault weapon” criteria? What are a person’s odds of dying in a mass shooting? What percentage of mass shooters obtained their guns through the gun show loophole?

Oh no! An irrefutable set of rhetorical questions! Quick, call _Shpoopel_ a racist and make fun of the size of their penis (if any)!

And finally, we received a note from someone claiming to be — and we have no reason to doubt him — Doug Varrieur, the shooting enthusiast recently featured on the Colbert Report, and hence on our own clipbait last week. We will let Mr. Varrieur speak his two cents’ worth here, and he should probably expect change:

Of course this is a comedy show and you must realize a tremendous amount of editing when into play to secure the comedy. What you don’t hear is my shooting partner retired Fl Keys police officer and I only shoot 1 hour per week on Wed between 3-4 in the afternoon and the guns used most of the time are 22’s. We shoot from a distance of 20 feet and the backdrop behind the target is 1 foot thick, 8 feet tall 12 feet wide against a big shed. No shots are ever fired when a boat is in the canal. Local, State and Federal officers have all come and inspected our target area and deemed it perfectly safe. The few pissed off neighbors you see on film are the only pissed off neighbors. Others have no issue. Interestingly enough my target area is one of several in the Florida Keys. By te way, there’s a ZERO crime rate in my neighborhood…..I wonder why? :) :)

Let’s give Yr Editrix the last word, from the Sekrit Wonket Chatcave:

Rebecca S: he seems nice, but really!

Rebecca S: anyone who puts smileys seems nice to me.

No arguing with that.

Follow Doktor Zoom on Twitter. Like Obama, he has gum, and is not afraid to use it.

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