Dear Soldier: We Need Some Information In Case You're Captured

Dear Soldier/Airman/Seaman/Marine:

Thank you for your willingness to be sent wherever it is we're sending our military forces, for whatever reason we're sending you there. Your willingness to give your all "for your country" -- or, let's be real, for your comrades, or just not to look chicken in front of them -- is greatly appreciated.

However, it has come to our attention that, should you fall into enemy hands, new circumstances dictate that your country may not want to actually bring you back. The standard has changed from "Leave no comrade behind" to "Leave no suitably telegenic comrade behind." To help us decide whether you are fit to be rescued, or even searched for, we need to gather certain information to help us determine whether you are worth bothering with.

1) Do you love America enough? Please explain any doubts you may have about the perfection of our way of life, our economic system, and core American values, as you understand them. Please note that a record of your statements on this form will be kept throughout your term of service, and should you be captured, statements on this form will be compared to any subsequent expressions of patriotism you may make in emails or phone calls to your family, remarks you may make to other members of the armed forces, or things that a guy heard another guy say about what they thought you were like; any discrepancies may be deemed reason to leave you behind.

2) Do you believe in The Mission? We actually don't care whether you believe in the mission you're assigned to do. You're a soldier/airman/seaman/Marine, and you do what you're told. However, to assist in determining your worthiness for rescue, please let us know now if you think you might at any point in the future express doubts about the morality of any cause you may be sent to support, or whether you anticipate any experiences while deployed might cause you to see said deployment in a negative light. Again, your answer in the space provided will be checked against future statements you may make.

3) Do you have any family members who might make you or the United States look bad on TV, particularly Fox News? Please indicate names and relationships of any family members who might fit any of the following descriptions:

Disloyal

Pushy, loud, or obnoxious

Anti-American

Bearded

Muslim-looking

Wimpy

Flamboyant

Eccentric

Ghetto

Please indicate any family members who speak languages other than American English, and identify the language(s):

Please indicate any family members who may worship deities that are not currently popular:

4) Can you guarantee that you will make every effort to seem neither too concerned about nor too dismissive of the welfare of the natives of the lands you are sent to fight in? Actually, We'd prefer you not say anything about them one way or the other, except that you're proud to be able to help.

5) If comrades die while searching for you, can you guarantee that your life was worth it? Please explain, in detail, the qualities that make your life worth saving, with particular emphasis on how you would justify your own rescue to Sean Hannity, John McCain, Sarah Palin, Bill O'Reilly, Ann Coulter, and/or Rush Limbaugh. You may continue your answer on the back of this sheet if you need to.

6) If a substantial number of people believe you're a deserter or a traitor, should we bring you back to try you in a court martial, or just take their word for it and leave you behind?

7) Seriously, do you actually want to be rescued or returned home if you are captured? Really, it would be a lot easier if you just answered "No." Then you'd look brave and self-sacrificing, you could be remembered as a hero, and it would save us a lot of trouble. Thanks.