GOP Opens New Front In War On Fruits & Vegetables

The kids are our future, so we should treasure them and take care of each individual precious snowflake child, each of whom is a gift from God or Allah or Spirit Pasta or whatever. But you know what? Skinny snowflakes suck. Don’t you like fat, enormous snowflakes? So do Republicans, which is why they continue to fight tooth and nail against any initiative to make our kids more healthy:  

A [House of Representatives] Appropriations subpanel approved language that would require the Agriculture Department to waive requirements to serve fruits, vegetables and low-sodium and low-fat foods for schools that can show their lunch programs are losing money.

Haha, it’s not like kids need silly fruits and vegetables. Those things are probably recommended by the same ‘scientists’ who think ‘climate change’ is real! Stupid academic eggheads. If processed, transfatty, GMO-infused pseudo-foodlike products were good enough for Jesus, it’s good enough for kids today! Can we get an amen?

Surely there is a good, sound reason for this, right? Convince us, Republicans!

Subcommittee Chairman Robert Aderholt (R-Ala.) said the temporary waivers are needed because some school districts are losing too much money and need more time to adjust to the requirement. He said a big problem is that students are refusing to eat the healthy foods.

In an informal survey of Wonket’s Seekrit Chatcave, one hundred percent want the Wonkette cafeteria to serve more vodka. But more relevant to this discussion, no one remembers school lunches being delicious ever, so it’s not like kids refusing to eat school lunches is a new phenomenon. Refusing to eat school lunches can't be blamed on Obama no matter how hard Republicans want to blame him for everything. We are no fans of organic, free-range grass-fed kale salad, but fighting against basic fruits and vegetables for our kids sounds rather dumb. And are that many schools having issues?

Panel member Rep. Rosa DeLauro (D-Conn.), who voted no on the bill, said the provision was a carve-out to the food industry and argued that 90 percent of schools are successfully implementing the standards.

Oh. So like 10 percent of schools are having issues. Here’s a novel idea: rather than throwing your hands up and saying, “WAAAH. This is hard!” perhaps the GOP could find a way to help those schools implement healthier lunches. HAHAHAHA, silly liberal. That would require work! And thinking! And we all know that the GOP mantra is, “No.”

But critics of healthier children (yes, that’s apparently a thing now) are critical of people in DC, especially Michelle Obama, for trying to cram health down our kids’ throats. The Independent Women’s Forum , for example, has this to say:

FLOTUS and Washington, D.C. food police have not been deterred by pleas from school administrators to relax standards.

Dammit, FLOTUS, why wont you just chill? Relax already. Don’t worry about keeping kids healthy. Stop trying to make things better. Take a page from the GOP: Why bother trying to improve something when you can just complain that it is bad? Plus, having fatty fat obese whale-children is a small price to pay for scoring cheap political points in an election year. The kids that don’t die early of heart disease will understand.

So let’s review Republican positions on health and nutrition. Kids should be able to eat whatever they want without the D.C. Food Police (who obviously share an office with the Thought Police, on the corner of K St. and Batshitcrazy Ave.) interfering. When they develop all kinds of diabetes (Types 1, 2, 24, Q, and X) and start having heart attacks at age 22, they sure as hell should not have affordable health care, because that would be socialism. Whatever, by that time they probably won’t even be able to drag their fat asses to the emergency room at the Ayn Rand Freedom Hospital (funded by David Koch), where they would naturally not be admitted because fuck the poor (direct quote from the Statue of Actual Liberty).

So in a nutshell, this position is definitely pro-life. Pro-very-short-life where people die early of Type 2 diabetes and congenital heart disease. If people wanted to thrive in a Republican world, they should have never been born -- just stay in the uterus.

[ The Hill / IWF ]