Looks like the NRA’s exciting new Young Fresh Face, Colion Noir, has gotten himself a hip new official NRA webcast where he can Gun It Up for a new generation of gun fondlers. Mr. Noir, the hot sensation of YouTube videos where he shoots every gun ever made, is here to make shootin’ irons hip, youth-oriented, and as the young folk say, “fresh.” There’s no way to top Elizabeth Nolan Brown’s description at Reason, so we’ll just steal shamelessly:
The overall effect suggests the show was written by a bot exclusively pulling from the Washington Free Beacon and Perez Hilton. Twerking! Trolling! Trans fats! Spotify! Statists!
Ah, but it’s not just that — for instance, there’s also a hint of Maxim, or maybe the old “What sort of man reads PLAYBOY?” ads: you want to be an urban sophisticate? Well Noir is going to tell you about “Fine watches, fast cars, and the finest guns — technology at its finest, a level of craftsmanship that takes decade upon decade to achieve.” Maybe he’ll even let you listen to his hi-fi set, with the $6800 speaker cables, too.
Noir is joined on set by co-host Amy Robbins, who seems mostly there to smile and agree, and be girly in an empowered-and-miniskirted kind of way. And she is just as hep to the jive as Noir is! To make the show relevant to the young people, the show is shot through with more product placement than a Steven King novel, so you know these people know what’s Now, what’s Happening. For instance straight off, Noir plaintively wonders, “Why the hell do I have to call up a guy to cerakote my gun like I’m making some back alley drug deal? I can get on Nike.com right now and make a pair of shoes with more colors than a Colors of Benetton ad! And how is it possible for me to walk out of a gun store with a $5,000 rifle in a cardboard box?” And Robbins pops in with an enthusiastic observation that all the gals in the audience can identify with:
Robbins: I get Lululemon headbands in better packaging than that! Like, the packaging is so nice for my headband that I don’t even throw it away!
Noir: You don’t throw away the packages?
Robbins: No! It’s like cute little bags! And they remind me to drink water every day.Beverly Hills surgeon explains at home fix for crepey skin around the arms, legs, and stomach.
Robbins: They have little sayings around the bottom of it. That’s what I’m saying, is they make it really cute, and this is what the gun industry is missing!
Honestly, if we could get a nice nine-millimeter semi-auto pistol with a cute package with, maybe, some bogus Thomas Jefferson quotes on it, we might just join the NRA ourselves.
Noir is just as rooted in the grand tradition of gun fondling as he is in the present day of hippety hop, designer dungarees, and fancy gym shoes!
“I know how we’re on this New Kids on the Block/21 Jump Street kick, but the gun world didn’t come from nowhere. There’s a heritage — a heritage that had a swag that would put most rappers to shame. There’s no way you look at a photo of Hemingway hunting in Africa without thinking there’s reason the Most Interesting Man in the World is pro-gun!”
It probably helps that there aren’t any photos of the Most Interesting Man in the World being removed from his cabin in Ketchum, Idaho, in 1961, because those might make you ask some other questions! Fresh! Sassy! So fetch!
And they even have gun/fashion reviews!
The Smith & Wesson M&P Shield is the Will Smith of the gun world… It’s the most politically correct gun on the planet…. the M&P effortlessly fits into your lifestyle without being overbearing … [it’s] a gun for the city urbanite, who makes frequent trips to the CVS at the bottom of his loft because he refuses to buy food from the natural grocery store.
But it’s not just a gun for the lads! It’s also an ideal gun “for the 24-year-old bombshell whose idea of acceptable grocery store attire is a pair of yoga tights and a T-shirt.” And, presumably, a cute headband whose packaging is carefully preserved at home, possibly hanging off the gun rack.
We may just have to watch this fucking thing every week. God help us.
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