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... by not sexing until marriage

What up, sluts? You busy popping those sweet Obamacare slut pills so you can slut so hard? Well, you may want to take a quick break from slutting to review this Very Important Public Service Announcement to Sluts from the Metro Police of Las Vegas, who sponsored what sounds like a super-fun Saturday night party called “Choose Purity”: Do not slut it up because it will probably kill you.

“Choose Purity” aimed to show young girls what can happen when they don’t wait until marriage to have sex, according to Officer Regina Coward, president of the Nevada Black Police Association, who said she’d been asked by her church, Victory Outreach Church, to create a community event to go along with its abstinence message.

So what does Coward say happens? Typically four things: sexual assault, gangs, drugs and prostitution. […]

Sending a message of abstinence is crime prevention, Coward said.

We are not even going to dive into the, shall we say, problematic issue of a police department co-sponsoring a distinctly religious event with a church. Let’s just go straight to the part where we scratch our heads and go “huh? what?” at some of the so-called consequences that Officer Regina Coward claims young unladylike ladies face if they spread their legs before someone puts a ring on it.

See, we are confused. We are aware that some of the consequences of sex include disease and pregnancy, but we were not aware that having sex can lead to being sexually assaulted. We are not sure how that works because, as far as we knew, girls who sexed did not have neon signs over their heads that say “I have sexed, feel free to assault me.” But what do we know?

Nothing, apparently, because we also were unaware that sexing leads to the other crimes and consequences Coward (heh) mentions. If we think waaaaaaaaaaay back to that first time we sexed, we have no recollection of pulling off the condom and proclaiming, “Now I feel like wearing a Pink Ladies jacket, smoking some crack, and maybe doing a drive-by shooting while soliciting sex for cash.” But we’re old, so maybe we’ve just forgotten.

We are aware, because we read things, that teaching kids to Just Say No to sexing leads to kids saying “Yeah, whatevs, LOL” and sexing anyway, with no understanding of how to protect themselves from disease or pregnancy. We are also aware that 88 percent of teens who take purity pledges cross their fingers behind their backs, which leads us to conclude that purity pledges are sort of … oh, what’s the word? … bullshit. But maybe that’s because until now, no one has made the “do not sex OR ELSE” argument with such dramatic flair.

Wide-eyed youngsters watched as two girls gave dramatic performances told from the perspective of one girl who had died after abusing diet pills and one who had died after contracting a sexually transmitted disease as a prostitute. The monologues concluded with each girl getting on a gurney and into a body bag.

What dying from diet pills has to do with premarital sex isn’t exactly clear, but as the purity-pledgings kids say, yeah, whatevs, LOL. The point is DO YOU WANT TO END UP DEAD ON A GURNEY IN A BODY BAG? NO? THEN DO NOT SEX! BECAUSE!

Fortunately, even though we all know it’s generally up to girls to prevent sex and sex-related consequences, since girls tend to sex all on their own, Coward (heh still) is a visionary, and she’s planning to spread the good word to boys also too, with an event called “Choose Courage.” We’re going to go out on a limb here and guess the main message will be telling boys to resist the devious slutty temptations of sluts who try to tempt boys to sex them with their being girls and all. Just a guess.

[Las Vegas Sun]

Follow Kaili Joy Gray on Twitter. She has sexed and somehow lived to tell the tale.

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