still not funny

You Should Listen To This Responsible Gun Owner Murder These Teenagers, Even Though You Do Not Want To

no alt text joke for this guyYesterday, we introduced you to the hip new trend: luring teenagers into your garage and lying in wait for them to burgle, so you can shoot them! How can you be a good guy with a gun if the bad guys don’t come around, for you to shoot them! Oddly, the police and prosecutors in Montana and Minnesota arrested the good guys with guns, just because they they murdered a bunch of teenagers, even though it was in their own homes and “castle doctrine” blah blah blah. The police were like, you seem to have been a little too excited about the shooting people and ground-standing and maybe opening your garage door, putting a purse in front of it, and then BLAM BLAM BLAMMING a high school student was a little much, see?

One of the cases resulted in a conviction Tuesday (heads-up to Gawker, dude isn’t on trial, he’s already guilty). That case was Byron Smith of Little Falls, Minnesota, who claimed self-defense after lying in wait for a neighbor girl he suspected of being involved in a rash of break-ins, with a tarp at the ready to protect his basement rec-room floor, and then shooting her and her friend very very dead. Now a judge has released the audio. Do you have to listen to it? Maybe you do not love hearing teens murdered. But we actually think it is important to bear witness to the lengths to which Responsible Gun Owners will go to have their murder cake and eat their self defense too.

Have some transcript, courtesy of Gawker (much more over there).

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I’m safe now. Cute. I’m sure she thought she was a real pro. I feel a little bit safer. I’m totally safe. I’m still shaking a bit, but a little bit safer.

I refuse to live in fear. I am not a bleeding heart liberal.

I felt like I was cleaning up a mess. Not like spilled food. Not like vomit. Not even like diarrhea, the worst mess possible.

In some tiny little respect I was doing my civic duty. The law enforcement system wouldn’t do it, I had to do it. I had to do it.

They weren’t human. I don’t see them as human. I see them as vermin.

It’s a good thing he’s “safe” now. So was this guy, who shouted that he was in fear for his life after gunning down a kid trying to sell him frozen steaks. Or this guy, who narrated his own shooting video, explaining that he felt he was in fear for his life even as his video showed his antagonist neighbor (an elementary schoolteacher) 20 feet away with his arms raised.

We’re all safe now. Very very safe. Just as safe as safe can be.

Have a nice day!

[NYDN, via Gawker]

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About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Hola wonkerados.

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