Aide-Smooching Congresscreep McAllister Won't Run For Reelection So He Can Spend More Time Embarassing His Family

Mark this one as "huge surprise to nobody": Louisiana congressdouche Vance McAllister, the Jesus-humpin' family-values fella who was caught on video K-I-S-S-I-N-G an office aide who was also his best friend's wife, has announced that he will not be seeking re-election, but won't be stepping down, either. He and his wife Kelly apparently came to that decision just this morning, and then caught a plane to Washington DC so that McAllister can continue serving the people of his district while everyone in Congress whispers behind his back and his ears burn with shame. (We figure Congress is a lot like junior high school that way.)

McAllister sincerely delivered all of the required lines from the workbook pages of the So! You've Been Caught In A Scandal! textbook:

“I am committed to serving the 5th District to the best of my ability through this term, but I also have to take care of my family as we work together to repair and strengthen the relationship I damaged

And then, after a brief pause, Kelly McAllister replied with the equally ritualistic, "I’m behind him 100 percent."

Vance McAllister also explained that Kelly was accompanying him back to Washington “because she knows it’s going to be a firestorm when I get there and she didn’t want me to face it alone,” and presumably because there's just no way he could possibly keep it in his pants were she not there to watch his every move.

The couple then presumably went back to calling their respective attorneys to make sure that the philandering asshole (at a Christmas party, no less!) / frigid bitch (who doesn't understand him like you do, sugar) didn't get the better deal in the inevitable divorce that will quietly take place six to eight months after the election.

[ Monroe News Star ]

 Follow Doktor Zoom on Twitter. He will never cheat on you with other blogs