Rick Perry's Cool Eyeglasses Make Him Look Smarter, Regrettably Do Not Protect Him From Grand Jury Investigation

It must be rough to be the Rickster this week. There have been ups, there have been downs and it’s only Monday. Politico reported on Perry’svery serious contendermakeover à la Legally Blonde. As everyone knows, serious eyewear makes for a serious candidate.

After recent media performances, where Perry didn’t forget what crucial government departments he would completely eradicate, Politico is back on board. Rick Perry is a political juggernaut. You guys, did you know that the Rickster had never lost an election until hiscomplete meltdowndignified withdrawal from the 2012 Presidential primary?! In Texas. Where rich, middle age, white men with conservative values are so often discriminated against – just ask Rick Perry, he’s been challenged at every step. 

But, catastrophe has struck. Despite everyone’s best efforts to turn over a new leaf for Ol' Crotch , he just can’t catch a break. It turns out he’s under investigation by a grand jury , for -- wait for it -- abuse of power. Because, that’s not a running GOP theme at the moment. Geeze, Rick, if you were gonna get investigated, couldn’t you at least have been original about it? We could have made a lot more hay out of a sex scandal.

So, what did the Rickster allegedly do? Well, it all starts with a Democratic District Attorney Rosemary Lehmberg getting convicted of drunk driving and refusing to resign her office. C’mon Lehmberg, this isn’t Toronto -- this is Texas, we have standards. So Rick, boy, was he pissed. You know his motto, go big or go home, it’s pain killers during a nationally televised debate or bust, baby. In his fit of pique, Perry threatened to veto $7.5 million in funding for the unit Lehmberg worked in: Oh good lord we can’t make this shit up, the Public Integrity Unit.

Yep, you read that right. Just let it wash over you for a minute.

Lehmberg went to court to secure her standing as a district attorney , because apparently getting so drunk you don’t know where you are, screaming at the po-po and going to jail for 45 days should not be grounds for dismissal from public service. The judge apparently agreed, because why the fuck not? We would feel bad for dissing Toronto, but we don’t...because crack.

Rick, though, he could not let it go.  Apparently, "He threatened her in broad daylight just like it was high noon" except with a cut in funding, not with, you know, a duel. Maybe Craig McDonald, executive director of Texans for Public Justice, was just confused by Perry’s cowboy boots when he made that remark.

So, moral of this story? EVERY SINGLE PERSON INVOLVED SUCKS MONKEY BALLS. Should Rick Perry have threatened to pull funding for the unit devoted to protecting the public from government corruption, possibly the unit that would then investigate such a threat? Hell No. Should lawyers get stinking drunk, drive around aimlessly and then yell at the police? Also, Hell No.

Have lots of delicious dollars of taxpayer money been wasted on this bullshit? Why, yes. Will it kill Rick Perry’s run for the 2016 presidential primary? Oh, Fuck no. Why not? Because he killed it as dead as a doornail last year when he shit the bed in the middle of a NATIONALLY TELEVISED DEBATE.

Can you imagine the ads? Actually, fuck that -- if Perry gets to run in the 2016 primary we will NEVER RUN OUT OF MATERIAL. Hell yes, let’s lower the level of discourse. Let the circus begin, again.

[ Politico / TPM / NPR ]