We are discomfited when we find ourselves on the same side as Glenn Beck. Is it because we fear he’s standing next to us just to stab us in the kidneys? Yes! Is it because we fear he is off the rails and therefore if we are agreeing we might have jumped the track as well? Yes! But we find we are in agreement with the Crying One over the whole Waco Wannabe Shootout at the OK Corral thing happening in Nevada as militia and Tea Party types stand their ground on behalf of Cliven Bundy’s cattle, because Glenn Beck does not think that going full armed insurrection in Nevada is a dandy idea. Wait what?
Beck penned an open letter to his followers or minions or cult members or whoever it is that pays attention to Glenn Beck unironically, in which he explains he is bringing peace and not a sword and oh my god so much Bible.
Long before you would issue a call to bear arms, you should issue a call to bear Bibles. God is the answer! He has called people to arms historically; I can’t think of a time that He has called for it out of anger.
We’re pretty sure Old Testament God was a pretty angry vengeful god, but we’re too lazy to go check on that. Back to Beck and his newfound pacifism and turning the other cheek and sticking daisies in the barrels of guns.
I worry about the rancher and his family. The ranchers around him and all around the country. I was blowing the warning trumpets on this kind of usurpation long ago. But any fan of mine knows that I have also said that I will never call for arms with the state of our faith.
I, too, am a rancher but the ultimate rancher is God and we are His flock. I will follow His voice for it is the only one I recognize. I am sorry, but as all MY real fans know, I believe Ghandi, MLK, Bonhoeffer and Jesus were right. I will follow their example. I know what that means or meant for them. But I will stand with The Lord. My feet shall be shod in the Gospel of Peace.
Glenn Beck has a ranch? Yeah, Glenn Beck really does have a ranch, but we can’t figure out what he does on said ranch except film Christmas specials about being on the ranch. Who knew?
There are about 10,000 more words in the open letter about Star Wars and Joseph Smith and the Bible and the Book of Mormon, but we cannot read them because we are still reeling from the part where we agree with Glenn Beck. No matter. We’ll be disagreeing with him again by the end of the day, probably when he repents his call to nonviolence and finds a Bible verse about being a warrior rancher for the Lord or something. At least it will give us something to write about.
Update/Correction: The original version of this story mistakenly placed Cletus McTed Al Bundy’s ranch in Arizona, because Snipy’s draft located the ranch in Montana, which was wrong, and then the draft was edited by Rebecca, who only saw that Arizona legislators were complaining about it. Wonkette’s official position is that this story is nonsense bullshit nonsense, and so we pay it exactly as much attention as it deserves. The text has been edited to reflect the actual location of Bundy’s ranch, which is British Columbia.