Do you dig Mike Huckabee? Who doesn’t, really? If you do, you’ll definitely be into his speech at the Conservative Value Freedom Summit God Bless America Property Rights Jamboree thing over the weekend, sponsored, of course, by Citizens United and Americans For Prosperity. Huckabee, like every other conservative there, was stroking himself off to the thought that there might be an insurrection uprising shootout fun time over Cliven Bundy’s refusal to pay fees to graze his cattle on public land, because everyone knows that God meant for Americans to use every last bit of land for their personal gain whether they own it or not, because freedom. But Huckabee took his haranguing one step farther, and managed to do a conservative greatest hit concert and hit every imaginary grievance those people have. Oh, and he also decided he’d rather live in North Korea because of all their freedoms.
Oh my god, check out that crowd of old white people. They keep hopping up to give Mike a standing O for his stirring words, but then they sit right down again, only to pop up a few seconds later. A bunch of them probably had to take their heart pills after that.
Now you might think “oh hey, I kind of wouldn’t feel free in a place where people are starving to death and get shot by the Dear Leader for disagreeing, or for being his ex-girlfriend, you know how it is, chicks man, but that is because you are not Mike Huckabee, and you have not suffered the slings and arrows of Fast and Furious, which is a thing conservatives are still mad about, we guess? Also too BENGHAZI!1!, which we did not think could relate at all to cattle grazing, but in the fevered mind of Mike Huckabee it does because we have no idea why.
Mike Huckabee is also very mad about Brandeis students protesting the proposed commencement speaker, Ayaan Hirsi Ali, because they realized she is maybe kind of a bit too firebrand-y about hating Islam. And oh, Mike is positively overcome with sadmad about Brendan Eich having to leave Mozilla because of the gay marriage hating. We are not really sure how examples of two private institutions making decisions about speech in their own private institutions equal government tyranny, but again, we are not Mike Huckabee. Perhaps he thinks that Bamz amassed some ATF and FBI agents at the doors of Brandeis and Mozilla and made them do it?
So Fast and Furious plus Benghazi multiplied by Brandeis and Mozilla equals less freedom than North Korea, especially because Mike Huckabee has to show ID at the airport.
“My gosh, I’m beginning to think that there’s more freedom in North Korea sometimes than there is in the United States,” he continued. “When I go to the airport, I have to get in the surrender position while people put hands all over me. And I have to provide photo ID in a couple of different forms, and prove that I really am not going to terrorize the airplane.”
Huckabee added: “But if I want to go vote, I don’t need a thing. All I got to do is show up and I can give them anybody’s name, and that’s okay.”
Sound argument! Except for the fact that there is no constitutional right to fly on a plane, but the whole voting thing is kinda enshrined in the Constitution, but otherwise those things are exactly the same indeed.
Given that we don’t yet have the technology to send Mike Huckabee on a rocket into the sun, we’ll have to settle for crowdfunding a plane to take him to the Worker’s Paradise that is North Korea. Help us out, won’t you?