Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Basket of Argle, Bargle, and Babble

  all the derp that's fit to herp

Derpy inspects the proposed architectural additions to the Louisiana CapitolWelcome to another edition of Derp Roundup, the weekly feature where we bring you a bunch of stories that didn’t quite merit a post of their own, but that were far too stupid to ignore altogether. Apply alcohol directly to your central processing unit as needed. Or your computer’s.

  • For the second week in a row, our Top Derp goes to a state looking to adopt a state symbol. Last week, it was South Carolina, where creationists blocked an adorable 8-year-old nerdgirl’s idea to name the wooly mammoth the State Fossil. This week we have the Louisiana House, where a committee voted Thursday to move forward a bill to name the Holy Bible as the official State Book. In a bit of trivia, Rep. Thomas Carmody’s original version of the bill would have named a particular copy of the Bible — the oldest existing Bible in the state library system, printed sometime between 1510 and 1528 — as the state book. But instead, Carmody introduced to the committee a new version that named the generic King James version. Not that he was promoting a particular religion or anything.

    Other lawmakers objected that the KJV wouldn’t reflect the state’s Catholic heritage, so the bill was amended to make it simply “the Holy Bible.” A few committee members angrily muttered something about the separation of church and state before the committee voted 5-8 to move the bill to the House.

    Carmody insisted that there was no way that the bill could violate the Establishment Clause of the First Amendment, because “It’s not to the exclusion of anyone else’s sacred literature.” You know, just naming one religion’s book, but definitely not banning any of those fake religions.

    Yr Wonkette would suggest that maybe the Legislature might do well to adopt All The King’s Men instead.

  • In other Louisiana Derp, Politico had a longish feature this week on the last hurrah run of former governor and convicted felon Edwin Edwards, who at 86 is running for Congress and having himself a fine old time. Edwards is the kind of old-school corrupt scoundrel that it’s easy to get nostalgic about — the guy who defeated former KKK leader David Duke in the 1991 governor’s race with help from the unofficial slogan “Vote for the crook, it’s important.” Go read the Politico piece because it’s fun, and for this little note on the old ne’er-do-well’s busy campaign schedule:

    Edwards brings a reporter over to his desk to look at an old-fashioned date book, filled with indecipherable scratchings from the governor’s own hand. “I feel good. I’ve been going almost 18 hours a day for the past 2½ weeks.

    “I kept every one of those commitments. Why look here … ” Then a beat. Then a slight pause. Then a wink.

    “My goodness gracious, look at this: I even went to a prayer breakfast.”

    Pretty sure this is where we get to say “Well bless his heart.”

  • In news of Responsible Gun Owners, we have this note from a Pennsylvania NRA event: A New Jersey gentleman participating in the program at the Steel City Gun Club shooting range managed to shoot himself in the leg. He was sent to the hospital with non life-threatening wounds.

    And in Jacksonville, Florida, a Responsible Gun Owner in Ware County, Georgia, was charged with illegally possessing a shotgun that killed his 10-year-old daughter, who was shot when the weapon accidentally discharged while a 15-year-old relative was unloading it so she could safely hold the gun.

  • It’s spring, and in addition to the world being puddle-wonderful, the little lame rightwing balloonmen are hyperventilating far and wee about the War on Easter again. The Washington Times’ Ernest Istook (yep, the former congresscritter has a column) released a prolonged whine about Michelle Obama’s simultaneously kidnapping the Easter Bunny and insulting the Resurrected Lord Jesus by linking the annual White House Easter Egg Roll to — horrors! — healthy eating and getting exercise, because the theme of the event is “Hop into Healthy, Swing into Shape.” Istook laments,

    Sorry, Peter Cottontail. Your event has been kidnapped. And, of course, apologies to the churches.

    Why can’t the Godless Obamas at least compromise by including the True Meaning of Jesus-Egg Day? At the very least, Michelle could demonstrate how to exercise while being crucified, to demonstrate the benefits of cross training.

  • A few sample pages of Professional Oppressed Christian Todd Starnes’s book, God Less America, set for release in May, have been posted at Amazon; Yr Wonkette joins Mediaite’s Andrew Kirell in challenging you to read the first page without snickering. Here’s Starnes being “folksy”:

    I grew up in a much simpler time — when blackberry was a pie and dirty dancing meant somebody forgot to clean out the barn for the square dance. It was a time when father still knew best — when the girls were girls and the men were men. I grew up in a time when a rainbow was a sign of God’s promise, not gay rights.

    Gee, our old LaSalle ran great. And talk about up-to-date references! His examples of “scary modernity” are pretty much objects of nostalgia themselves: a nearly defunct smartphone and a movie from 1987. Yeh, we’re pretty sure we’ll be assigned to review this book-shaped turd when it drops on May 6.

  • With Tax Day coming up, the wacky libertarians at ReasonTV have released this very amusing video that has an accountant talking about taxes with Game of Thrones characters. We have somehow not watched that series (yes, we know that hurts our nerd cred), but we bet this video is just hilarious.

    Maybe if DDM, our Game of Thrones recapper, had shown up in the Sekrit Chatcave the last couple of days, we would have some hilarious Lannisterian riffs on it. And with Kid Zoom on a choir tour to Disneyland, we can’t even get any help from someone who’s read the books.
  • In response to the news that Willie Nelson will be doing a concert for Wendy Davis, a genius over at Free Republic explains Who’s A Real Texan and Who Is Not:

    Doper, homosexualist and now abortionist sum up the life and times of one Willie Nelson. He may be a native Texan but doesn’t share Texas values, the most important of which is the right to life.
    Interesting that a Yankee transplant, drug-free Patriot Ted Nugent, embodies more of what Texas is all about than one of her native sons.

    We’ll pray for them.

  • From today’sNew Hampshire Freedom Summit, sponsored by Citizens United and Americans for Prosperity, MSNBC reporter Benjy Sarlin had this somewhat enigmatic pair of tweets:

    Donald Trump is a Galifinakis Truther, says Obama was clearly enraged by Funny or Die questions and media won’t report it.

    So weird that Donald Trump couldn’t recognize a self-parody, I don’t get how that could happen

    We’ll keep an eye out for video so we can share the details. Then again, “Donald Trump Clueless” stories are the dog-bites-man of Twitter, aren’t they?

  • [Times-Picayune / WWL-TV / Politico / TPM / Jacksonville.com / Washington Times / Mediaite / Benjy Sarlin]

    Share This
     
    Related video

    About the author

    Doktor Zoom lives in Boise, Idaho. He acquired his pseudonym after being differently punctual to too many meetings. He is not a medical doctor, although he has a real PhD (in Rhetoric and Composition).

    View all articles by Doktor Zoom

    Hola wonkerados.

    To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

    Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.