Sweet eight-armed Ganesh, who is this horrible screeching banshee who looks as if she’s about to unhinge her jaw and swallow Chris Hayes whole like a python snacking on an Acehnese tribesman?* Glad you asked! That is one Jennifer Stefano of Americans for Prosperity, an apparently minor-league wingnut whose existence up to now we have been mercifully unaware of. See how great it is to write for Wonkette — you get to peer into the underbelly of an America that even Hunter S. Thompson couldn’t imagine in his worst ether-fueled nightmare.
Kudos to Chris Hayes and his bookers for wandering into the King of Prussia mall and tracking the loudest voice there to the food court, where they found this toxic sack of wind that they then plied with Cinnabons and dragged off to a studio somewhere to scream incoherent lies about Obamacare and all its horrors for ten minutes. We tried to keep an accurate record of everything Stefano said so we could rebut at least some of it but gave up about the time the sound of this woman’s voice actually bored a hole into both our eardrums. We didn’t know sound could do that, and we listened to that Sarah Palin theme song yesterday through our headphones. So let’s just give you what we’re pretty sure is the official transcript of this interview.
Hayes: Jennifer, why is extending the ACA enrollment deadline such a bad thing?
Stefano: CHRIS, I’M A MOTHER AND AS A MOTHER I AM AFRAID FOR MY PRECIOUS PRECIOUS BABIES WHO NEED HEALTHCARE AND CAN’T GET IT NOW. BECAUSE CHOICES.
Hayes: Not following you here.
Stefano: MY PRECIOUS CHILDREN CAN’T GET HEALTHCARE. BECAUSE REASONS. OBAMA LIED. I AM SAYING WORDS WITH MY MOUTH.Dr. Gundry reveals the top 3 common foods that you would have never guessed were the cause of your fatigue.
Hayes: You’re saying your children can’t get healthcare because this deadline has moved back by two weeks?
Stefano: YOU SEE CHRIS, I PUSH AIR FROM MY LUNGS THROUGH MY VOCAL FOLDS AND MY LARYNX HELPS ADJUST THE PITCH AND TONE, AND THEN THE ARTICULATORS ARTICULATE THE SOUNDS THAT THEN COME OUT THROUGH MY FRIGHTENINGLY PLUMP LIPS. LIKE SO.
Hayes: It’s been a while since high school biology so I’ll just assume that’s accurate.
Stefano: CHRIS, NO ONE WANTS THIS LAW. OBAMACARE. IT IS BAD. WHICH YOU WOULD KNOW IF YOU HAD OVARIES THAT COULD PRODUCE LIFE THAT YOU NOW WANT TO NURTURE AND PROTECT. IF THE LAW CONTINUES WE CAN’T REPEAL IT. NUMBERS. MCKINSEY INSTITUTE. NON-PARTISAN. PEOPLE WITHOUT COVERAGE HAVE COVERAGE BUT CAN’T GET COVERAGE FOR THEIR CHILDREN. WHO HAVE COVERAGE. I WILL NOW USE THE WORD “CHOICE” OVER AND OVER AGAIN SO THAT ALL THE LIBERAL HIPPIE WOMEN WHO WATCH MSNBC WILL SALIVATE LIKE PAVLOV’S DOGS AND MAGICALLY START AGREEING WITH ME. AND THEN THE TEA PARTY WILL TAKE THE SENATE.
Hayes: Let me explain to you why everything you just said is wrong and you are misinterpreting the facts and figures.
Stefano: HOW DARE YOU QUESTION ME. I AM A MOTHER. I GREW UP IN A TRAILER PARK, WHICH NEVER GOT WIPED OUT BY A TORNADO BECAUSE IF A TWISTER WAS APPROACHING I WOULD JUST OPEN MY MOUTH AND BEGIN SPEAKING AND THE FORCE OF MY VOICE WOULD ACT AS A COUNTERMEASURE, PUSHING THE TORNADO AWAY. I WILL NOW ASK YOU AN UNANSWERABLE QUESTION, SMIRK AND SIT BACK. HA HA! GOTCHA, BUDDY!
Hayes: What about Medicaid eligibility?
Stefano: REPUBLICAN GOVERNORS HAVE TAKEN THAT EXPANSION. $94,000 A YEAR IS 133% OF THE POVERTY LEVEL. THAT IS RICH. MORAL ISSUE. I LOVE POOR PEOPLE AND WANT THEM TO HAVE HEALTH INSURANCE. HOW DARE YOU SAY OTHERWISE OR QUESTION MY MOTIVES OR UNDERCUT THE VOICE OF A WOMAN FOR DISAGREEING WITH YOU. LOUD NOISES.
Hayes: Okay, let’s end this before my head explodes all over this nice suit my mom bought me.
Stefano was followed by a colorless blob of wheat germ identified as Phil Schiliro, a White House advisor for health policy and reform, who politely and bloodlessly rebutted everything said by the Mouth That Ate Bucks Country, but by that point we were too busy trying to stanch the flow of blood from our ears to pay much attention.
*Legal disclaimer: Yr Wonkette is not responsible for any auditory or psychological damage, whether temporary or more likely permanent, that may will result from watching that video.
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