Poor Gummy. Now we know why you have no teethWhat is it about Drugs-N-Gators? What compels so many people with drugs to also have a member of Alligator mississipiensis on hand? Is it because gators are tough? Or useful in protecting one’s stash, as in the classic example of the drug gator genre? Or are there just more people with drugs and people with alligators than we had currently given any thought to, and so it shouldn’t be surprising when the two sets intersect? It is a mystery, and while we’re not all that surprised by weird alligator stories from Florida, it seems there’s no shortage of alligators in the Pacific Northwest, at least among the criminal set. Which brings us to this headline from our local CBS affiliate: Sheriff: 8 arrested with guns, drugs and an alligator.

Admittedly, it’s no “Oregon man on meth fights off 12 cops while masturbating in bar,” which is why it doesn’t get the Gnome Vomiting Rainbows pic. But ’tis enough, ’twill serve.

So what are the horrible details? In Azalea, Oregon, a town of under 700 in rural Douglas County, the Douglas County Sheriff’s office served a warrant last Thursday at an address on — we are not making this up — Upper Cow Creek Road. The warrant was for an investigation into identity theft, and netted Dee Swiss Thomas IV, the gentleman on the right up there, on suspicion of using a stolen credit card to purchase a bunch of stuff. He’s being held without bail on multiple fraud and theft charges.

And then there were the seven other folks at the house, most notably Christopher LaCoe, the Klingon on the left, who

was in possession of fifteen pounds of marijuana, 52 grams of methamphetamine, five firearms, a stun gun, stolen mining equipment, and an alligator. The alligator was seized and relocated by Oregon State Police who assisted in the case. LaCoe is being held on over $1,500,000 bail for eleven separate charges.

And do we know anything more about the alligator? Was it living in an empty hot tub, or being fed chicken parts? We do not know, and for this, we are seriously disappointed in the people banging out news stories for wire services, because those are the kinds of details that really bring a good drug alligator story to life. Get it together, local reporters — the drugs and alligators are out there, and are apparently not going away.

[KBOI-2 / 541 Radio]

Follow Doktor Zoom on Twitter. He has no drugs, has no gators, just a song in his heart and a mighty big dream.

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