Let Jim Garrow and Glenn Beck Crazysplain That Missing Malaysian Jet To You

While the rest of the world wails and rends garments over Joe Scarborough’s announcement that he will not grace us with his presence in the clusterfuck that is sure to be the 2016 presidential campaign, your Wonkette is hard at work bringing you the more important story of our day, which is that OBAMA DID MALAYSIA AIR #370!!!!DRUDGESIRENS!!!111!!!! Or something.

Of course it’s just a theory but as always it is irresponsible not to speculate, especially if you are wild-eyed nutsack Jim Garrow. Wonkette’s current favorite conspiracy theorist has recovered from Obama’s recent attempt on his life and will not give up speaking truth to power about the Kenyan Usurper and his dastardly plans to…well, we’re not sure. Here, have some crazy:  

The plane has 20 technology nerds aboard who happen to work for China designing "classified" leading edge computer/internet control software and are carrying the matching hardware with them on the plane. They are heading to Beijing with all the others…

While we are down the rabbit hole this far, lets [sic] go all the way.

Oh sweet Jesus yes, let’s.

The jet lands by wire at Diego Garcia, the appropriate hardware and software is offloaded as are the nerds. Interrogation proceeds and all the "secrets" you would want to gain from this "intervention" are gleaned from the assets.

You now load everyone back on board the plane and have it take off headed back to where it was supposed to go and at 35,000 ft altitude it implodes/explodes and the debris field is now found.

First, lands by wire? We don’t think fly-by-wire means what you think it means. Anyway, we’re not sure what the hell this conspiracy actually is about. Somehow Obama had MH#370 hijacked to Diego Garcia to grab some technology being carried onboard by some computer nerds to keep it out of the hands of the Chinese, or as a favor to help the Chinese get their hands on it because Obama has a brother who is somehow tied in with Chinese intelligence. No, really. We’re sure with a little more acid this would make perfect sense.

The twenty employees of Freescale Semiconductor who were on MH#370 also piqued the interest of Glenn Beck, who took to his tinfoil-lined studio to expound on a nutty theory that involved the Freescale people, and as best we can tell the theory goes like this:

1)      Steal jet that contains a bunch of computer nerds who have invented a cloaking device.

2)      Repaint the plane to look like a British Airways jet and fly it low and slow across the Atlantic now that it has been “cloaked.”

3)      ????????

4)      Profit! Or alternately, ??????

After going through this insane pile of babble, Beck admits it is “possible” the plane just crashed in the ocean. It’s always fun to watch Glenn’s meds at war with his mind.

Your Wonkette sincerely hopes, for the sake of the families of the missing passengers, that this mystery is solved, and solved soon. Unfortunately, as Fox News host Bill Hemmer reminds us, sometimes finding missing planes and ships and imaginary arks takes time!

So, what, it took us 100 years to find the Titanic? It took us 2,000 years to find Noah’s Ark. Do we ever find flight 370?

Interesting! Especially since the Noah’s Ark find has been repeatedly debunked, even by Fox News! Still, at least Bill Hemmer didn’t specifically blame Obama for the plane’s disappearance, thus continuing Fox’s long march to becoming a mouthpiece for the socialist tyrant in the White House.

[ Right Wing Watch / Right Wing Watch / Raw Story ]