It is an election year, and if you have an appetite for wingnut stupid, you’re in luck, because the Republican Party offers an all-you-can-eat buffet. If you like your stupid Southern style, you are in extra special luck because it is super-sized in Georgia’s Republican primary Senate race. These folks have some big shoes to fill, what with Sen. Saxby Chambliss deciding he’s had enough of loving America more than that dirty anti-American hippie commie bin Laden-loving Max Cleland, who only gave some but not all of his limbs in service to his country.
It’s been some fierce competition in the state whose motto is “Wisdom, Justice, Moderation.” Ha, Georgia, you have a great sense of humor!
There’s Karen Handel, the amuse bouche of the race, if you will. She’s the lady who destroyed Susan G. Komen for the Cure basically all by herself with her single-minded quest to change the foundation’s goal from seeking a cure for cancer to something something anti-abortion dumb sluts something. But only because Planned Parenthood Planned Bullyhooded her into it.
Then for your soup course, one of our all-time favorite Legislative Shitmuffin contenders, Rep. Phil Gingrey MD, proud graduate of Acme Medical College Online, who read a thing once that suggested maybe raped ladies don’t get pregnant except oh wait never mind. He doesn’t even want to win the race, though, because it totally sucks to be “stuck here making $172,000 a year.”
And for your main course, Rep. Paul Broun, who is, by our count, at least 37 kinds of stupid. He is not too fond of science, but only because it is “lies straight from the pit of Hell.” He has a hard time telling the IRS apart from Al-Qaeda, since they’re basically the same thing. He is also pretty sure that “the only Constitution that Barack Obama upholds is the Soviet constitution, not this one.”
However, Broun is fixing to sound more smarterer, and he’s using taxpayer dollars to do it, like any good fiscal conservative.
So perhaps it’s not too surprising that Broun, now a leading U.S. Senate candidate, hired a rhetoric coach, though it does seem odd that he’s used our money to do so.
How much of our money? Oh, just $30,000 is all. But it’s a bargain at twice the price, considering his coach also worked with such geniuses as Michele Bachmann and George W. Bush, both noted for their excellent rhetorical skills. When asked why he felt taxpayers would absolutely want their money going into teaching him to talk more good, his official answer was, “Silence and a firmly slammed door.” But apparently someone on the Broun team thought a better explanation was in order.
After Broun fled from the local reporter, his office issued a statement explaining that the congressman did use taxpayer money to pay a former debate coach, but the funds were used so “Broun can best communicate his legislative priorities, issues, and message with his constituents.”
Oh, well, in that case, please proceed, Rep. Broun. Lord knows your constituents would be far more receptive to your “message” if you use some big fancy SAT words to explain how the Earth is only about 9,000 years old and how Obama is basically Marx and Hitler but from Kenya probably maybe he’s just askin’.
It’s not that Broun says really stupid things that he actually believes; it’s just that he needs better “rhetoric” to express his beliefs. Which, hey!, is basically the new theme of the entire Republican Party, which keeps re-re-re-rebranding itself, insisting that its message is poorly articulated, but its policies are FAN-tastic. Chicks love being told they are slutty whiners who need to stop demanding free handouts from Uncle Sugar and go make some sammiches. Messicans love being called “wetbacks” who should be shot, but only the illegal ones, not all of ‘em, jeez. And of course The Gays can’t get enough of being told they will burn in hell because their gay is violating the religious freedom of Michele Bachmann’s marriage.
We guess Broun has really internalized that talking point of trying to deliver his stupid and hate in a more voter-friendly way. Maybe with balloons. Still, the other Georgia Republicans are really going to have to step up their game if they hope to out-stupid Broun. Perhaps Handel could spend some money to learn how to whine harder. Maybe Gingrey could get some training to explain how $172,000 really isn’t that much after all, (unless you’re a regular American trying to survive on our joke of a minimum wage, in which case, screw you, moocher). But even then, they’d have to figure out how to get taxpayers to foot the bill for their edumacation, because that’s really the cherry on top of the stupid sundae.
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