Looks like now that ol’ Tom DeLay’s legal troubles are in the past, he’s busy polishing up his credentials for the next phase of his life on the Wingnut Welfare circuit. In addition to his glee at getting his gun rights restored, here’s another nice bullet point on his résumé: he had a nice little chat with Reverend Matthew Hagee about the True History of the United Jesus States of Godmerica, in which he explained that many of our country’s problems come from the moment when “we allowed our government to become a secular government.” We aren’t quite sure whether he means March 4, 1789, or maybe December 15, 1791. Probably the latter, because even though the Constitution became law in 1789, the First Amendment wasn’t ratified by the states until 1791. You could still make a pretty good case for the earlier date, though, since Article Six already had that line about “no religious test” ever being required for public office.
So thanks for the history lesson, Mr. DeLay! Oh, but maybe that’s not what you meant? Well what did you mean?
DeLay said that Americans have forgotten “that God created this nation [and] that He wrote the Constitution, that it’s based on biblical principles.”
Oh, we see! You meant that you are actually a complete charlatan who is angling for a sinecure somewhere nice, like maybe the Family Research Council or the American Patriarchy Association or Wall Builders. Got it! What color is the sky on your planet?
We’d like a few answers about this hypothesis, however — for one thing, why did God fuck up the whole question of slavery so badly that we had to have a civil war to settle it fourscore and six years later? Was that just one of those “close enough for Me” things, like when God punishes America for abortion by letting an unhinged guy with an assault rifle run amok in an elementary school, or when He punishes the gays of New Orleans by wiping out 3000 people with a hurricane? And are amendments just New Revelations, or are they heresies?
In any case, DeLay is pretty hopeful that we can again become the theocracy that we once were, because he remembers those really great days when he was the House Majority Leader and he evangelized all his colleagues and he even “sealed off the rotunda of the Capitol, thinking that, of all people, the leaders of the nation” could contemplate 2 Chronicles 7:14 — which was written about America because it says “my people” — and so “for three hours, leaders of the House and Senate got on our knees, seeking the face of God and praying.”
So he’s pretty sure a big huge revival is coming, and everything will be better just as soon as we revise our textbooks to replace stuff like “James Madison” and “the Constitutional Convention” with “God,” just like we need to replace earth science and biology textbooks with Genesis.
If nothing else, the history and science tests in schools of the future should be pretty easy, unless kids have to memorize all those “begats.”
Follow Doktor Zoom on Twitter. He prefers to believe that if God wrote anything, He wrote the Discworld novels.
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