How To Stop Being Such A Dumb Slut And Get Your Hooks Into A Man, By A Lady (And The Duggars)

Since it's been [ checks watch ] at least four seconds since some dimwitted dimwit offered us single ladies some unsolicited advice on how to not be single ladies and why it's all our fault and how we are TERRIBLE THE WORST for being single, the Wall Street Journal (of course) brings us these words of derpdom from Susan Patton -- who is, shockingly, not Suzanne Venker, niece of lady-hating Phyllis Schlafly and professional pontificator on How And Why Women Suck^TM. Yeah, we're shocked too. No, we've never heard of this Patton person, but apparently she has written an entire book about how dumb we ladies are, so we should heed her advice before our ovaries shrivel up and kill us from the inside.

Let's "smarten up," as Mrs. Patton advises in the very first paragraph -- we assume she's a Mrs. because why else would she be single-shaming us and publishing a book of tips on how to get hitched Right Fucking Now? -- and find out what we're doing wrong. Besides everything, obviously, as we women do.

Despite all of the focus on professional advancement, for most of you the cornerstone of your future happiness will be the man you marry. But chances are that you haven't been investing nearly as much energy in planning for your personal happiness as you are planning for your next promotion at work. What are you waiting for? You're not getting any younger, but the competition for the men you'd be interested in marrying most definitely is.

Oh right. That old song we've heard eleventeen trillion times. You will not be happy unless you Find A Man. It's just not scientifically possible. Einstein or someone like that said so. You are wasting precious time doing things that are not Finding A Man, and you are getting old and wrinkly and totally unmarriageable with every passing second that you are focusing on dumb things like your career. Cut that shit out, ladies, and get on SingleMatchDate.com NOW! Especially if you are smart and good at stuff, because that's just going to work against you.

An extraordinary education is the greatest gift you can give yourself. But if you are a young woman who has had that blessing, the task of finding a life partner who shares your intellectual curiosity and potential for success is difficult. Those men who are as well-educated as you are often interested in younger, less challenging women.

See, dudes like dumb chicks. That's just a plain fact. And honey, if you are not a dumb chick, well, you're basically screwed. You should probably just give up now, because it's pointless for you. Or hop in your time machine, go back to college, stop wasting your energy on pointless activities like studying, and grab yourself a semi-literate bro.

College is the best place to look for your mate. It is an environment teeming with like-minded, age-appropriate single men with whom you already share many things. You will never again have this concentration of exceptional men to choose from. [...]

Can you meet brilliant, marriageable men after college? Yes, but just not that many of them. Once you're living off campus and in the real world, you'll be stunned by how smart the men are not. You'll no doubt meet some eligible guys in your workplace, but it's hazardous to get romantically involved with co-workers.

You may not be ready for marriage in your early 20s (or maybe you are), but keep in touch with the men that you meet in college, especially the super smart ones. They'll probably do very well for themselves, and their desirability will only increase after graduation.

And of course, because no How To Find A Man To Marry You column would be complete without it:

When you find a good man, take it slow. Casual sex is irresistible to men, but the smart move is not to give it away. If you offer intimacy without commitment, the incentive to commit is eliminated. The grandmotherly message of yesterday is still true today: Men won't buy the cow if the milk is free.

Got that? Do not be a slutty cow. Put your time into finding a decent man, but do NOT fuck him, just add him to your Rolodex for future use.

Then, once you do friend him on MyFace a few years after graduation, he will be a great success and maybe if you are lucky, he will marry you. And then you can simply follow these easy steps from Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar , conservative wingnuts and reality TV stars of the show "10,000 Kids And Counting" to ensure that you are keeping your man happy, which we will summarize for you so you do not have to read the whole thing because you're probably already reaching for a hammer to hit yourself in the face as it is.

1. Have sex all the time.

2. Okay, don't have sex ALL the time.

3. Be nice to your wife and say things like "I love you" sometimes. (That's a bro tip, and how we ladies are supposed to enforce that is not clear, but whatever.)

4. Communicate. (Michelle actually says, "He shares his heart with me, his struggles, his fears and his dreams." We've translated that into English for your convenience.)

5. Don't have expectations. No, really, this is a thing Jim Bob says. "Expectations ruin relationships." How that meshes with the expectation that the wife will always ALWAYS have sexytime with her husband even when she doesn't feel like it is -- oh, fuck it, like we're really taking these jackholes seriously, right?

6. Spend time together, like with date nights, or something. If you have a lot of children, you can really save money on baby-sitters by making the older ones take care of the younger ones. (They didn't say that; we just added in some basic common sense we've learned from watching the Duggars.)

7. Learn stuff. "After 30 years of marriage and 19 kids, Jim Bob and Michelle are still interested in discovering others' advice for a happy partnership." Awwww. That's real nice we guess.

So, then, ladies, there you have it. Drop whatever the fuck it is you're doing with your "education" or your "career" or your "leaning in, out, turn yourself about," and find a guy. Find him NOW. There's no time to waste. You're already late. And dumb. And too smart. And a cow.

And once you've trapped him into marrying you, just follow those seven easy Duggar steps and you too can be a happily married perpetually pregnant reality TV star too.

[ WSJ / Today Moms ]