What If I Ran Out Of Ideas For 'What If' Columns?
Oh, jeez, it's not like I didn't know this was going to happen! I assumed it would be later rather than sooner, however, so this is where you all come in! Calling all Wonketeers! Your Pink Pony is in trouble ("Lassie, what'll we do?")! I know you all are a bunch of smartypants, so, like, "What if you came up with ideas for me and then I stole them and we all lived happily every after?" Everybody wins! So please, Pony Pals, leave your "What if" ideas in the comment section, and I'll give you credit when/if I use them. You can up-vote your faves! Oh, and I know how you bitches love to spoil things, so I promise I won't look at any comment replies.
It's not like I haven't come up with a few ideas – heaven forbid! It's just that some of those ideas are only good for one or two gags, while other ones are too labor-intensive. Some ideas are, of course, just totally weird and/or stupid, even by my low standards (don't let that stop you from suggesting weird/stupid ideas)! Click "read more" to see some of these wisely aborted ideas, and lend a Pony a hand!
What if the Duck Dynasty guys were all secretly, incestuously gay-married to each other? "Tears, slap fights erupt between Si and Willie over that last sweet drop of Honest Amish Beard Balm ."
What if Michele Bachmann attended the Mad Hatter's Tea Party? Surely somebody else has already done this.
What if we "took back" the word thug and made it nice? This one made me laugh, and then I couldn't come up with a single example. FROWNY FACE.
What if John McCain really were too liberal? "What's the meaning of THIS?" Cindy asked sharply, displaying the the Birkenstocks hidden way in the back of the closet."
What if House Republicans went back in time and posed for famous masterpieces? Too Fark, really. Also, too much work for a pretty unoriginal idea.
What if Mike Huckabee suddenly had a vagina? "Something is up with him," the intern muttered. "Everywhere he goes, he takes that hand mirror." I already burned this one off on my blog .
What if other religions got into the whole "competing courthouse monuments" craze? "This is a very unusual sculptural group," the reporter commented to David Miscavige. "Yes," he replied, "we really think this tells you what Scientology is all about." "Does it have a title?" the reporter asks. "Yes, it's called John Travolta Saves Another Car Crash Victim ."
What if the US Capitol really did get moved to Nebraska ? Anybody know any Nebraska jokes? *crickets*
What if straight marriage got outlawed in Utah? Hilarious because MORMONS.
What if Louie Gohmert... I don't know... grew four extra legs? Started wearing wigs? Was revealed to be Marie Osmond in disguise? Gohmert is so inherently funny already that the imagination pales in comparison.
So clearly you can see I'm in trouble, here. Won't you help?
Oh, that's just crazy talk.
What if Jesus really had recently returned and lived among us as the man we knew as Christopher Hitchens? And that all of Hitchens' writings were compiled and made into the third book of the Bible? And that fundies were going to have to recognize it as the true and literal word of the Almighty?
What if William S. Burroughs was the New Prophet? And that a large and resource-rich nation in the Middle East underwent a revolution and endeavored to create an entire society based on strict and severe adherence to Burroughsiah Law?