What Filthy Things Will You Do To Celebrate Purity Day?

Oh, golly, look at these hip young chaste people who are bravely resisting our filthy culture's pressure to give in to their animalistic sex drive! They are saving themselves for marriage, and getting ready to celebrate the Day Of Purity on February 14, which the secular world knows as "Arizona Statehood Day." Day of Purity is sponsored by the "Liberty Counsel," a Christianist legal group that knows how to to do things that are much more fun than the sexing. For instance, back in 2000, they threatened to sue the Jacksonville, Florida, library system for a reading promotion that would have given kids a "Hogwarts' Certificate of Accomplishment" for reading a Harry Potter novel, because witchcraft is a religion, and so the library was obviously violating the Establishment Clause of the 1st Amendment. Instead, the library just ended the program, although it stubbornly refused to actually hang any of the young witches or wizards who had already received the certificates.

So anyway, PURITY -- this is some persuasive ad! It is all about making brave choices, and seeming kind of hip and defiant while you're at it, telling all the secular influencers in Hollywood and the government schools that no, we are bravely going to not fuck, thank you, because God has a special plan for our wedding night! (God's special plan is to watch you fumble awkwardly and cry because all you ever learned about sex is that it is dirty until you are married, when it becomes beautiful. Now please go take a cold shower.)

The other thing we really love about this ad is how it takes the language of "choice" away from the baby-killers and reclaims it for the choice to keep it in your pants, because if people would make THAT choice instead of rutting like filthy little sex poodles all the time, there would be no unwanted pregnancies and no need for abortions or Wendy Davis or Girl Scout Cookies. 

We just checked, and even though today is the rollout of this exciting video, the suggested hashtags #IChoose #IWantMore #DayofPurity are sadly not trending on the Twittosphere. We also don't have any stats on the purity app that was released last summer. But maybe soon, as more and more young people hop on the Purity Train!

We just hope the Purity Train doesn't rock back and forth too much, because that could undercut the goal.

[ Florida Times-Union / Liberty Counsel / Facebook ]

 Follow Doktor Zoom on Twitter. He has vowed to drink only rainwater and grain alcohol on Purity Day.