Mayor Of Sochi Is Quite Certain He Does Not Have Anyone Gaying Up His Town Yet

Getting hyped for the Olympics? Of course you are! Hoping you can just watch luge or curling or the biathlon or whatever strikes your fantasy without having to worry about Russia's depressingly backwards thoughts and feels about the gays? Did you figure that maybe when Bamz sent a pile of homosexuals as the US delegation to the Olympics that would maybe be the last you had to hear about how gay or not-gay your winter sports were going to be? If you're tired of having gay athletes or spectators or gay people in general rammed right down your throat hole, as the gays are wont to do, take a page from Sochi Mayor Anatoly Pakhomov's book and just declare that there are no gay people in Sochi.

But when asked whether gay people had to hide their sexuality in Sochi, the Mayor said: "No, we just say that it is your business, it's your life. But it's not accepted here in the Caucasus where we live. We do not have them in our city."

When challenged, the mayor admitted that he was not certain there were no gay people in Sochi: "I am not sure, but I don't bloody know them."

See no gay, hear no gay, speak no gay.

Unsurprisingly, many people have turned out to explain that there are plenty of the gays there in Sochi, including enough to warrant gay bars, which is the sure sign you've reached your minimum recommended daily allowance of gay.

Drag queen Madame Zhu-Zha said there was a gay community in the city and in other areas of Russia.

"There are very many clubs for gay people in Moscow - in Sochi we have two gay clubs as well. In some places there's serious prejudice against gay people. In other places it's not as bad."

Part of the whole confusion over whether gays are imaginary, like unicorns, or just rare, like rhinos, is that the leader of the Russkies, Vladimir Putin, seems to think that all gays are pedophiles, or all pedophiles are gay, or there are only pedophiles or we are not really sure.

Putin appeared to lump homosexuality and pedophilia together.

"We have no ban on nontraditional sexual relations. We have a ban on propaganda of homosexuality and pedophilia. I want to underline that, on propaganda among minors," he said.

Putin and other politicians have defended the June propaganda law as a protection of child rights, but critics believe that the law discriminates against sexual minorities. The law specifically refers only to "propaganda of nontraditional sexual relations."

"We aren't banning anything, we aren't rounding up anyone, we have no criminal punishment for such relations unlike many other countries," he said. "One can feel relaxed and at ease, but please leave the children in peace."

Hmmm. So gays exist but they are probably pedophiles, but they do not exist in Sochi but they will exist in Sochi once we send all our gays over there for the Olympics and they will even have gay bars to go to, but as long as they leave the children in peace, they will come to no harm, or will not exist, or something like that. Got it.

[ BBC / Sports Illustrated ]