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maybe they should drink more pineapple juiceIn case you missed it because you were sleeping off your Saturday hangover, or had something better to do like watching paint dry, Sen. Rand “Aqua Buddha” Paul mansplained, as only a Republican can, how there isn’t really a war on women, except there is, but Democrats started it. (Also, he’s rubber, you’re glue, and YOUR MOM. Oh SNAP!) Oh, and the war that isn’t a war except it’s a war by Democrats is over now, the women won because his niece goes to Cornell, let us weep for the men.

If that sounds like the same old arglebargle we’re always hearing from Republicans, it is. But Paul offered a new twist: The war on women that is not a war on women but is a war on women except that it is over now was started by Bill Clinton getting a blowjob, and that means Hillary cannot be president. WHAT?!? you say. Surely, you must be joking! No, we are not joking, and don’t call us Shirley. He really said it!

Well, you know, I mean the Democrats one of their big issues is they have concocted and says Republicans are committing a war on women. One of the workplace laws and rules that I think are good is that bosses shouldn’t prey on young interns in their office, and I think really the media seems to have given President Clinton a pass on this.

He took advantage of a girl that was twenty years old and an intern in his office. There is no excuse for that, and that is predatory behavior, and should be something we shouldn’t want to associate with people who would take advantage of a young girl in his office. This isn’t having an affair. I mean this isn’t me saying he’s had an affair we shouldn’t talk to him. Someone who takes advantage of a young girl in their office. I mean really? And then they have the gall to stand up and say Republicans are having a war on women.

So yes, I think it’s a factor. Now it’s not Hillary’s fault, but it is a factor in judging Bill Clinton in history.

Obviously, all the ladies are super grateful that the senator who once kidnapped a woman in college as a “prank” is speaking out against taking advantage of women. Thank you, Uncle Sugar, we mean Sen. Paul.

There was one conservative who was DIS-gusted by Paul bringing up a 15-year-old blowjob no one cares about. Hero Joe Scarborough, who was once a congressman who just happened to vote to impeach Clinton for that blowjob, totally shamed Paul on his MSNBC show on Monday morning and said he would “never bring that stuff up in a gazillion years.” (He’s a little uncomfortable talking about interns, you see. ALLEGEDLY.)

But hey, since Paul brought it up, The Scar does have some thoughts, since you didn’t ask:

“That said,” Scarborough continued. “If Hillary Clinton attacks the Republican Party’s handling of women and treatment of women and disrespect for women and suggests they’re misogynists etc., etc., etc., it does seem to be a fair question to ask right now a few years out, does the media have a responsibility to say, ‘Well, let’s see what happened when you were in the White House and how women were treated when you were in the governor’s mansion and the White House?’ Is that fair?”

“Does this not compromise Hillary Clinton’s ability to bash Republicans as being terrible towards women, misogynists, etc., etc.?”

Well, sure, that’s all valid. Bill got a blowjob back when we were all wearing flannels and Doc Martens and getting our grunge on, ergo, Hillary Clinton really cannot criticize today’s Republican Party for things it is doing and saying today. This just might be the new new NEW lady outreach strategy Republicans have been struggling to figure out. Oh, you don’t like it when Republicans say spousal rape is not a real thing? Well, MONICA LEWINSKY, so there! Oh, you have a problem with the idea that wives should submit to their husbands? Well, BLOWJOB, so there! Oh, you don’t like it when Republicans call you a whore for using birth control? Well, BLUE DRESS, BITCHEZ! Oh, you would like Planet Hillary Clinton to be your president? Well, her husband had consensual sexual relations with another lady one time a thousand years ago, no, NOPE, she cannot be your president. Not that they’re blaming her, mind you, they’re just saying her husband’s actions disqualify her for the presidency. See the difference?

We guess Paul and The Scar have a point. There’s just no way women can possibly oppose sexist Republican policies now, since Rand Paul finally did the media’s job and exposed Clinton’s BJ. Happy Christmas, war is over, we guess. Just let us know where to surrender and sign up for our mandatory transvaginal ultrasounds. Because sometimes a cigar is exactly the same thing.

[Think Progress/Rawstory]

Follow Kaili Joy Gray on Twitter. Transvaginal ultrasounds sold separately.

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