Cokehead Trey Radel Resigning From Congress To Spend More Time With His Coke

Florida congresshoover Trey Radel, the "hip-hop conservative" who went and got himself busted for cocaine possession back in November, will resign today, according to pretty much everyone. His letter to Speaker John Boehner says,

“is my belief that professionally I cannot fully and effectively serve as a United States Representative to the place I love and call home, Southwest Florida.” He said that 2014 has already “been tremendously positive as I focus on my health, family and faith.”

In other words, god only knows what horrible revelation was just about to come out, BYEEEEEE.

Florida Governor Rick "BatBoy" Scott will schedule a special election to fill Radel's seat, presumably after it's been thoroughly vacuumed. Among the likely candidates, sez, Politico, are state Sen. Lizbeth Benacquisto, former state Rep. Paige Kreegel, whose name would make for some fun headlines if nothing else, and former congressdouche and alleged ballsak-whacker Connie Mack IV.

As Wonkette alum Juli Weiner reminds us, Mack is the "subject of this, the greatest Associated Press lede in history":

A younger Connie Mack IV explained two road rage incidents, an arrest at a Jacksonville bar and a bar fight with a Major League Baseball star the same way: He was minding his own business, sober and trouble found him.

That sounds entirely plausible! For comedic purposes, we suppose we may just endorse Mack in the primary, provided the Democrats have a rilly good candidate (it's Florida, who are we kidding?). We think maybe to be on the safe side we should, just on the off chance that it will be a jinx.

Mr. Radel is expected to return to Florida to enter rehab, find Jebus, and make a bundle on his eventual inspiring memoir, which will tell the tale how he did coke and went to rehab and found Jebus. TV movie rights have not yet been sold.

[ Politico / Vanity Fair ]

 Follow Doktor Zoom on Twitter. The only thing going up his nose is "Cock and Bull Brand Ginger Beer," and then only when he reads Charlie Pierce.