Joe Arpaio Gives Flag-Murdering Prisoners Only Bread & Water, Protecting Future Of America, His Career

It's been a little while since we last checked in with Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio, America's Most Publicized Sheriff. The Arizona hero undertook a very important program of mandatory love of country in the jail last November, playing the National Anthem every morning and "God Bless America" every night, and placing flags in every cell. And then 38 prisoners handed Joe Arpaio a beautiful re-election tool gift by obligingly responding to his forced patriotism campaign by defacing those very American flags, as of course he surely hoped they would. So now, the flag-disrespecting Bad Guys will get only bread and water for a week, to show that Sheriff Joe is Tough.

"These inmates have destroyed the American flag that was placed in their cells," Arpaio said. "Tearing them, writing on them, stepping on them, throwing them in the toilet, trash or wherever they feel. It's a disgrace ... this is government property that they are destroying, and we will take action against those who act this way."

Hell, if nobody had trashed their flags, Arpaio might have had to pay some of them to do so.

Thank goodness, a spokesman for the Sheriff's Office was able to provide an explanation for why Sheriff Joe loves America so much, and why he wants to teach the subhuman maggots in the jail cells some modicum of decency -- a lesson that may be lost on them, being subhuman maggots and all, but one well worth teaching anyway -- by making them love the Flag that our patriotic veterans bled and died for in faraway foreign lands. And here is that reason, according to spokesman Chrisopher Hegstrom, who we do not imagine looking or sounding anything like Dwight Schrute:

"Sheriff Arpaio is a Korean War veteran and a big patriot."

Also, Arpaio announced back in November that he would be hiring more military veterans, so don't you dare question his motives. He probably has some loyalty oaths for you to sign, too.

Don't you love America?

[ CNN ]

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