Did you wake up this morning, grab yourself a double-shot of artisan organic free-trade liberal latte, and wonder what news stories out there should be filed under what-the-ever-lovin’-fuck? Good news, because the New York Times Magazine is ON IT. Not to be outdone by Time’s stock photo image of a pants-suit-wearing lady misandrying a tiny man with her sensible pump, the Times decided to go full-on Salvador Dali weird by turning a wrinkled bald Hillary Clinton into a planet. Such artsy!
We don’t understand what exactly the point is here, but we can wonkguess. Hillary is as big as a planet. Or Hillary is taking over the universe. Or Hillary is a fathead who needs Botox. Or, and we’re really going out on a limb here, the media is obsessed with the meme that Hillary Clinton will be your new can’t-be-stopped overlord, so quick, do some BENGHAZI! and find someone to stop her before she becomes president and continues her life-long mission of being Hillary Clinton.
We are still years away from the 2016 election, and Hillz has not even decided whether she wants to be president, but it’s never too soon to start warning America that she will crush all the men UNLESS. But hot damn, we are already so sick and tired of all the will-she, won’t-she, she-better-not journamalisming. Surely, Serious Media, there are other things you could be discussing, like artisanal toast or Justin Bieber’s life of crime or how Radiant Orchid is the new black or JESUS H. CHRIST, anything — anything at all — that is more relevant and interesting than HILLARY CLINTON ZOMG! Because, like we said, the next presidential election is still years away, so we’ll have plenty of time for wall-to-wall ZOMG! coverage if/when Hillary decides she would like to president us. And then, yes, media, you can go crazy and dig up all those golden oldies about how she lesbianed Vince Foster to death with her headband and how she does not bake enough cookies and what does her cleavage-y v-neck say about her leadership qualities and how often does she sleep with her husband, Mr. Hillz, and all those super-relevant issues. But until then, maybe give it a rest?
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