that's so gay

Texas Congressman Takes Backdoor Approach To Screwing Gays

As Homer goes, so goes the nation.
Marriage is the most sacred institution of all the institutions ever instituted by god and America’s Founder Jesus “Whitey” Christ exactly 6,000 years ago. Unfortunately, members of the Grand Old Party are looking to limit the federal government’s recognition of some marriages, specifically those that involve an excessive number of dicks and those that contain no dicks at all.

Texas’s Rep. Randy Weber (R-Dick) is leading the charge to “prevent the federal government from recognizing same-sex marriages for couples who live in states that do not permit these unions,” according to The Hill. We here at Wonket are disappointed in such a RINO approach to gay marriage. If Weber really cared, he would be pushing for a Constitutional Amendment totally disenfranchising Americans instead of this bullshit piecemeal approach to disenfranchisement. 

This piece of (shit) legislation is in response to liberal god-hating John Roberts and the rest of his homo-loving friends on the Rainbow Court overturning the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) last year. As predicted, traditional marriage is crumbling before our very eyes while churches are being forced to gay-marry goats to pickup trucks, just as it sayeth in the Book of Revelations. The End Times are surely here, but Weber is doing his best to postpone total apocalyptic catastrophe with his State Marriage Defense Act.

Basically, the bill would allow bigoted states to ignore perfectly legal marriages because said bigoted states find those marriages to be ewwww, gross. Weber says that the bill is designed to:

“[A]ffirm the authority of states to define and regulate marriage, [and] provide clarity to federal agencies seeking to determine who qualifies as a spouse for the purpose of federal law,” he said Thursday. “By requiring that the Federal Government defer to the laws of a person’s state of legal residence in determining marital status, we can protect states’ constitutionally established powers from the arbitrary overreach of unelected bureaucrats.”

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Those pesky unelected Supreme Court Justices, arbitrarily overreaching what with their interpreting the Constitutionality of laws, and then unelected officials in the executive branch executing the laws that are Constitutional! Why, Whitey Christ would be rolling over in his grave at Mount Vernon if he was still in his grave!

What intellectual luminaries, only one of which is an actual hate group, are backing this legislation?

Given that even Utah briefly recognized gay marriage, we are pretty sure that this legislation isn’t going to go anywhere, let alone have a chance in hell of passing the Senate with Harry Reid being the badass that he is. However, it is a good reminder that there has always and forever been only one form of marriage which is between a man with a PENIS and a woman with governmentally regulated LADYPARTS the GOP continues to hate on the gays in new and inventive ways. We have no idea if this bill deals with age-of-marriage laws, which also differ between states, but we guess that so long as that 12-year-old GIRL is marrying a 40-year-old MAN, Weber and his ilk are probably totes cool with it, because that is WAY MOAR BETTERER than two consenting adult menfolk doin’ it in the butt.

[The Hill / Southern Poverty Law Center]

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