Eliot Spitzer Does Toe-Sucking To Topless Lady In Hot Tub; New York Post Is *On It*

We are not sure what is ickier: Eliot Spitzer and his girlfriend Lis Smith doing sexxytime in a hot tub in Jamaica, or the  New York Post's  description of same:

Sleazy Eliot Spitzer turned a resort hot tub into a steamy love cauldron over the weekend -- kissing and sucking the toes of his topless mistress, Lis Smith, in front of families with children, mortified witnesses told The Post.

The still-married former Love Gov and Smith, Mayor de Blasio’s ex-mouthpiece, were spied frolicking near the family pool at around 4 p.m. Sunday at the Half Moon family resort in Montego Bay, Jamaica

We did not know that anyone really wrote like that, even in a tabloid, and quite frankly we think there is no reason to expose innocent readers to that sort of thing. This isn't purple prose; it's well into the ultraviolet spectrum.

Also, too there was this bit of timeless reporting:

A 10-year-old boy who saw Smith topless in the pool ran back to his parents and shouted, “Mom there’s an old guy in the Jacuzzi with this girl and she’s topless and she’s got her legs wrapped around him,” sources said.

The boy’s cries -- “He’s sucking on her toes!” alerted other guests, who walked over to catch an eyeful.

 
 Honestly, dear readers, who among us has not dreaded the prospect that we might one day be alerted to a horrifying incident of public toe-sucking by a small child shouting "Mrs. Krabappel and Principal Skinner were in the closet making babies and I saw one of the babies and then the baby looked at me"? It is truly too sordid to contemplate.

Another witness was so traumatized that they apparently took careful notes:

“It was gross,” said a hotel witness, who was vacationing with her family. “She had her top off” ...

“He was licking her toes,” the witness said. “She would sit in his lap. Then he’d put her feet in his mouth. He licked her toes and was playing with her feet.”

The Post's bill of particulars then goes on to detail additional horrors: there was also cuddling! And the whispering of sweet nothings into ears! A spokesperson for Spitzer denied that anything of the sort happened, saying “These assertions are totally untrue.” We dunno, that 10-year-old boy shouting "He's sucking on her toes!" sounds like the sort of detail that is not only undeniably true, but destined to be immortalized in historical reenactments someday.

Also, too, there is this tweet from Smith, who had worked as a spokesperson for New York Mayor Bill de Blasio's campaign but was dropped after the Post was shocked, shocked that she and Spitzer were, how do you say, canoodling:

Let this whole sad episode be a lesson to all of us: Live a morally decent life, or you may one day end up writing for the New York Post. 

[ NYP via Gawker ]

 Follow Doktor Zoom on Twitter. He promises to never use the phrase "steamy love cauldron."