Liz Cheney Quits Senate Campaign To Spend More TIme With Parts Of Family That Still Talk To Her

Shut it down, people. The 2014 midterms just got a lot less interesting as psychotic swamp beast Liz Cheney emerged from her Sith Meditation Pod and announced she is ending her bid for the Senate seat from Wyoming, citing unspecified "serious health issues" in her family. This was followed by a tortured howl of misery and loss rising from thedarkest recesses of a sailor-filled dive bar on the edge of the industrial wastes near downtown Los AngelesWonkette overnight news desk. Liz, Liz, why hast thou forsaken us? 

This race had already given us so much: Liz Cheney adding "carpetbagger" to her already prodigious resume of dick moves, sitting Republican Senator Mike Enzi, who would have faced Liz in the primary, crying that she had promised him she wouldn't run and then whining like a six-year-old "I thought we were friends," as if the Cheneys indulge in something so base as friendships or ever look at other humans as anything other than potential heart donors. This was followed by Liz suggesting that Enzi might be in the early stages of dementia or something, not that that has ever disqualified a Republican from holding office.

There was some hot Jennifer-Rubin-on-Liz-Cheney action. There was Sappho herself Lynne Cheney going all Miss-Ellie-Ewing-blowing-out-a-crystal-binge on former Wyoming Senator Alan Simpson at a fundraiser. There was dad Dick getting in on the action by trying to shiv Enzi. There were the ads Liz ran to convince Wyoming voters that her family was not full of pod people. The only one who did not acquit himself well to the family firm of Wolfram & Hart was Liz's bumbling husband Phil Perry, who might -- MIGHT -- have committed a teensy little voter fraud felony.

This all paled in comparison to Liz throwing her sister Mary to the anti-gay nutters just because Mary is a Lesbo-American married to a woman, which was the only part of Liz that their shriveled little hearts could admire. Over the years Dick Cheney gently dodged the question of how he could conform to the Republican Party line of opposing gays getting married when his own daughter was a lesbian. Liz, in true Dubya-invading-Iraq-to-one-up-Daddy style, tossed Mary (and Mary's partner and their kids) under the bus just so Wyoming's conservative electorate would have no fear that Liz might have ever ever ever for even one second approved of two women registering for china patterns together. We have seen some ambition in our time -- we write about politics while living in Hollywood -- but that was some chootspa, Liz. Your Wonkette, while disapproving, can at least admire in a head-shaking way the thorough rottenness of a soul that would pull that stunt.

Sadly it was all for naught. Liz had yet to catch fire with Wyoming voters. Polls throughout the fall showed Enzi with a lead ranging from 28 to 52 points. Now she's gone and we are bereft. We were going to write enough Cheney stories this year to finance a switch from generic to name-brand whiskey. Here's hoping Steve Stockman and Paul Broun make things interesting in Texas and Georgia, otherwise we might have to downgrade to Thunder Ripple.

[ CNN / Politico ]