dumbfuck dynasty

Nashville ‘Church Member’ Sues A&E And Barack Obama For Being So Mean To Duck Dynasty Star

screw it, just find a duck pictureA Nashville guy who claims he’s a member of Duck Dynasty star Phil Robertson’s church is suing A&E Network for its suspension of Robertson. Chris Sevier claims that the private company’s personnel decision will have a chilling effect on decent Christian weirdos like himself, inhibiting them from preaching damnation for the gheys. For good measure, the lawsuit also names President Obama, because obviously he tells cable teevee networks what to do. This is just logic.

Chris Sevier pretty much lives for stupid lawsuits; he’s the goofball who tried to sue Apple because it brought porn onto his computer. This new lawsuit is already every bit as successful as that one, since it’s gotten Chris Sevier’s name on the interwebs. He would also like you to know that he has a band. Guy’s a regular Buckaroo Banzai.

TMZ describes the filing as “91 pages of law and religious propaganda, quoting scriptures about the evils of homosexuality,” and notes that at one point it includes the very lawyerly phrase, “We live in a Christian nation ‘Jack.’” The lawsuit does not specifically identify who ‘Jack’ is, but we are thinking it may be Jack Shit, Esq., who is mostly unknown to Mr. Sevier. Sevier also claims that in states where gay marriage is legalized, “citizens in that state should be able to marry their pets,” because of course they will.

And then there are the photographic exhibits included in the document, for some reason. Here are a few, because wow:

duck fruit

duck constitution

duck wolf

duck leather
duck beard
duck censored

There are plenty more, which help advance a serious legal point of some sort, we bet. Your guess is as good as anyone’s.

chris sevier mugshotAnd just in case Sevier weren’t creepy enough, Sevier has been charged with stalking country musician John Rich and in a separate incident, with stalking a 17-year-old girl. In the latter case, he followed the girl from a coffee shop to the ice cream store where she worked, and creeped her out by telling her details of a private conversation she’d had at the coffee shop months earlier, according to the arrest warrant.

He seems nice.

So, to sum up, a guy who sued Apple for allowing him to see porn on the internet is now accusing A&E and Barack Obama of silencing Christians, who will be prevented from speaking out against the evils of homosexuality, which would be bad for our Christian Nation, Jack. All we need now is to learn that the legalization of gay marriage somewhere is what drove him to take up stalking people.

[TMZ and Nashville Gab via AATP]

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About the author

Doktor Zoom Is the pseudonym of Marty Kelley, who lives in Boise, Idaho. He acquired his nym from a fan of Silver-Age comics after being differently punctual to too many meetings. He is not a medical doctor, although he has a real PhD (in Rhetoric and Composition).

View all articles by Doktor Zoom

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