Wonkette Wishes Rick Santorum A Totally Not Ironic Happy White Santa Holidays Full Of Frothy Jesus

Dear Frothy Mixture of Lube and Fecal Matter That Is Sometimes the Byproduct of Anal Sex,

You, Rick Santorum, are wonderful. You are like Nelson Mandela . This year alone, you have delighted us with all of your frothy Santorumness. You learned us how if you cannot gaybash at our high school children, it is like Hitler . And how kids are afraid to shower at the YMCA because they might have to hear icky words like "abortion." And how flinging yourself all over Virginia turned out to not be excellent news for Ken Cuccinelli. And how you should maybe keep your day job of not having a day job and stay away from producing Christmassy movies . And how the First Amendment is intended to protect you -- yes, you Rick, personally -- from having to live in a country where women use birth control. And how, most important of all and relevant to 2016 cough cough wink wink, you understand now that the great lesson of 2012 is that you totally would have won if you hadn't lost.

For all of these great gifts of joy, we would like to thank you, Rick, and hope that you have a very happy, very Jesus-y Christmas, with a quote we think perfectly encapsulates the holiday spirit and will speak to you personally and, we hope, comes close to equalling the klassiness of your most epic holiday card of last year, when you were really super respectful of Teh Jooz with your Jew holiday card about Jesus:

If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever. -- Woody Allen

Man-on-dog love and kisses,

Wonkette