the horror

Rick Perry Wants You To Be His Submissive This Christmas

bondage jesusYou guys all getting your Holiday Freak on yet? Dressing up in your leathers? Having your labes snipped? Gettin’ weird and freaky up in it, maybe with a dwarf, and a pizza? Well Rick Perry is, bitchez. Not only does the Texas governor want to top you, he wants the Messiah all up in his freaky-deaky-threeway. Because who better to hold you down, with his muscles and stuff, than hot ripped buff Jesus?

Thanks to the invaluable JuanitaJean, we have Rick Perry’s Christmas card. Doesn’t he look like Josh Brolin? (Shut up, yes he does.) Look at that evil face. Dude likes it rough. But how rough???

rick perry christmas card

Praise be to the Lord my Rock, who trains my hands for war, my fingers for battle. He is my loving God and my fortress, my stronghold and my deliverer, my shield, in whom I take refuge, who subdues people under me.

WHUT. What kind of Christmas message is that, that you are going to war the people and God is going to subdue them for you? Let us find a gentler message for Rick Perry to deliver for Christmas, because the one he chose is full on cray.

colonel kurtz

“I watched a snail crawl along the edge of a straight razor. That’s my dream; that’s my nightmare. Crawling, slithering, along the edge of a straight razor… and surviving. Merry Christmas in Jesus’s name to you and yours.”

[JuanitaJean, via Wonket operative "Kendal"]

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About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf

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