Circuit Court Tells Utah Attorney General To Open His Mouth Wider So They Can Cram Even More Gay Marriage In There

  because that's where his clitoris is

you don't want the filthy gays wearing these, do you?Was your Christmas wish for a whole bunch of teh gheys to get married and then you were super happy because Utah got you just what you wanted and your twitter feed was chock full o’ joyful joyful o come o come emmanuel gays getting hitched? But then Utah’s Attorney General said “naw mang, we didn’t mean to give you that present because that present will wreck your life” and has been trying to pry it out of your hands since Friday’s court ruling legalizing same-sex marriage in Utah? Just how many ways has Utah tried to take your big gay toy away? Pretty much 12 Days of Christmas’ worth.

First, Utah’s acting Attorney General went to the 10th Circuit Court of Appeals in the dead of night to try to get the horrible parade of horribles gay marriages stopped, concern troll arguing that they were worried about the legal status of newly married couples if the ruling were reversed. (Your concern is noted, we are touched, fuck you.) They also filed a motion in the trial court itself, asking the judge who overturned the ban to stay his order, which would have the net effect of cockblocking the gays from marrying. On Saturday, the 10th Circuit told the state to go hang.

Today, the 10th Circuit denied a fistful of new motions by the state, all of which amount to PLEASE STOP THE GAYS FROM GETTING MARRIED OH GOD PLEASE STOP THEM. But in the spirit of try try again, Utah’s AG also has motions pending in the district court with the trial judge, and there was a hearing on those motions this morning. The state is still trolling trolling trolling rawhide in that court, arguing that they need to stop the marriages to remove the “cloud of uncertainty” that might result if those marriages are invalidated. See? So right now we all just twiddle our thumbs and bite our nails to see what the trial court will rule.

That Utah AG is just looking out for you, gheys. Remember when you were a little kid and your mom got you the very first Star Wars X-Wing toy but it was the version that actually shot small red pellets across the room to simulate lasers and little children everywhere nommed up those pellets like delicious candy so then they had to take that one away and give you a new safe X-wing that did not shoot tasty red pellets everywhere? Think of the Utah AG just like that. He’s got your best interests at heart, gays.

(No, we cannot follow how many motions and denials this has been either, and yr humble correspondent has actually practiced many a time in federal court but Jesus fuck we need a flow chart for this. We probably have already fucked up figuring out what motions happened when in this case and now you’re forever misinformed. Sue us.)

[Salt Lake City Tribune/Buzzfeed's Chris Geidner, who is doing yeoman's work covering every twist and turn in this story]

Related

 
Related video

About the author

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.