Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Mission Implausible

 
 Welcome to yet another Derp Roundup, the weekly feature where we hose off our browser and serve up a cocktail of stories that were too stoopid to ignore altogether, but not quite worth a full post of their own.

1. We'll start with a seasonal sampling of the War On Christmas, with American Patriarchy Association president Tim Wildmon and AFA's internet radio crazy Sandy "Gays will buttsex the Navy to death" Rios talking 'bout how Christmas is on the verge of being holocausted out of existence. Rios took a little time out Friday from reminding Christians thatNelson Mandela was a communist terrorist so that she could chat with Wildmon about the Very Real War on Christmas, which is absolutely real despite a lying USA Today article what said that not all evangelicals think such a war exists. Wildmon was not at all happy that other Christians dare to disagree with the AFA about this. Talk about stabbed in the back! Wildmon could not believe that any of his "brothers and sister in the Lord" -- including a pastor -- could possibly "[agree] with the secular progressives" about the attempt to "eradicate" Christmas, which is in danger of being forced completely out of public life.

   Rios shared his distress, explaining that “This is exactly what Hitler did in Nazi Germany,” because it is totally true, as the photo above demonstrates. Also, it's just like Communist Russia and North Korea, because of course it is.

   We're glad that the AFA whined about that USA Today story, though, since it included a mention of this very useful chart by Rachel Held Evans :

   

   Tim Wildmon "resents" this, because it hurt his fee-fees, which as everyone knows is the first step toward persecution.

1. In other American Patriarchy Association news, AFA radio idiot Bryan Fischer called again Friday for the impeachment of Barack Obama,even though there's no chance the Senate would convict him with all those Democrats in there. Still, said Fisher, it's worth doing, since it would be "educational":

   "There could be a powerful educational benefit from the House filing articles of impeachment," Fischer said, because "it would give the House the opportunity to make their case why this man needs to be removed from office ... And so there'll be tremendous educational value in that; it may not go anywhere in the Senate ... but it may be time to recognize there's an educational benefit here."

   That sure would be an excellent educational experience, and an excellent use of Congress's time and money. And it could even be made revenue neutral by cutting funding for schools.

1. The Washington Times celebrated the start of the Christmas -- not "Holiday" -- shopping season with a festive piece reminding folks that there were some terrific bargains to be found in Black Friday deals on guns, because there's "Nothing like chiming in the Christmas season with a new gun." We hear that Baby Jesus was especially fond of semiautomatic pistols with a very light trigger pull.

1. We know that Thanksgiving is over a week past and that the leftovers are getting iffy, but it has come to our attention that some of you may have somehow escaped this atrocity. Until now.

   Extra Bravery points for anyone who can make it through the rapping at 2: 30.

1. Josh Romney helped rescue four passengers from a car that crashed into a house, which was a good thing to do, and then blew whatever goodwill the act may have earned by tweeting a photo of himself grinning next to the wreckage, which was a typical bit of Romneydouche. You remember Josh, don't you?

   

   No word on whether he also fed on the crash survivors' souls.

1. A little-known fact first revealed in 2004received far wider attention last week when the "Today I Found Out" blog noted that for over 20 years, all U.S. Minuteman nuclear missiles used the same code to enable their warheads: 00000000. The idea for having codes in the first place was to prevent a nuclear strike from being launched without presidential authorization, but almost immediately after the system was put in place, Air Force generals had the codes reset to all zeroes so missiles could be used immediately in case the President wasn't able to authorize a launch. Happily, nothing ever went wrong, and we managed to maintain both Peace on Earth and Purity of Essence.

1. And finally, a news item that is either Pure Derp or Pure Awesome (we lean toward the latter): Lynda Farley, a 62-year-old woman from Kentucky drove 800 miles multiple times to fight a $56 "obstructed vision" citation in New Jersey. She won when the judge ruled that she could see through her windshield just fine despite the 2004 Nissan Quest van's being covered with weirdass political slogans and bric-a-brac. She doesn't like anti-smoking laws, mandatory neuter/spay laws, ObamaCare, climate change, or the liberal media. She is a big fan of Freedom. And general weirdness. Photo of the "Liberty Van" below, huge photo so you can read all the slogans here, and of course, Ms. Farley's Liberty Van website, which we would rate at about .574 on the Timecube scale. 

   

[ RightWingWatch / USA Today / RightWingWatch / Moonie Times / NYDN / TodayIFoundOut via Ars Technica / NJ.com / Image adapted from Time-Life/Getty Images ]