Millennials Pretty Sick Of Mean Old Perfesser President

What's up, Millennials? Being special snowflakes? We know it is hard out there -- we really do! For instance, there are no jobs for you, and that is terrible! Sure, you also have a wee little tendency to yell at your bosses they are not the boss of you and you are the smartest and bestest and know way more than them and you are never to be criticized ever, which is a weird way to keep the jobs you actually get, but as we all know you don't take those jobs anyway, because they insist you wear pants. We also know that if you are still in college, your mommy will call your professor if you're not happy with your Pity B Minus, which was a gift, by the way. We know these things because we have been both your boss and your professor (AND ALSO YOUR MOM), and let us tell you, YOU ARE A TREAT! But that is old news and we expect no different. It is not your fault. We blame society!

But have you managed to surprise even us with the depths of your latest scraggly, inchoate whine? Verily! Let us sexamine the graph above, which we assumed was a dumb lie as it was brought to us by FrontPageMag. Imagine our surprise when we clicked through to the source -- a Harvard Institute of Politics poll -- and found out it was not a dumb lie! And that Millennials, those perfect darlings, actually have a clear majority that would recall Barack Obama from office if they could!

So what has mean old Perfesser Obama done to make the Millennials hate him? Something super totally mean right? Like, once we made our nonfiction writing students write about the song "Gloria" AND DESCRIBE HOW IT SOUNDED, USING WORDS AND WRITING, and we got back 13 papers that all expounded on the theme "I don't like punk music and Patti Smith is dumb." So the next week we cussed them all out and said if they couldn't use words to describe the way something sounded or looked, they needed to change their fucking majors, and then we made them redo the assignment by writing about Serge Gainsbourg and Jane Birkin's "Je T'Aime" so they couldn't cheat by dicking around with the lyrics, and our cussing at them made them all write real good! And we were really happy with them! And we said "you guys this is so good!" and then we read them excerpts from their papers and stroked and loved and coddled them, and then we got our teaching reviews back and they were all like "SHE YELLED AT US AND CUSSED US AND I WAS SAD ALL DAY WORST TEACHER EVAR, Sincerely, Snowflake." Right, so, what was it?

Oh, he brought the near-universal healthcare the country has been trying to figure out since Teddy Roosevelt? Oh, he let you stay on your parents' plans through age 26? Oh, yeah, in-fucking-peech.

We can't wait until the Koch Brothers have succeeded in molding the next generation of New Reaganites, just by handing out beer coozies. You kids really know what is important, and it is beer coozies. Good job, Millennials, you are real Americans now.

[ Harvard, via FrontPageMag ]