John Boehner Embraces Kenyan Socialism, Signs Up For Free Government Handouts Of Birth Control

Congratulations, Mr. Weeper of the House John Boehner! No, not because you finally impeached Obamacare (because that is not actually something that will happen even though you have tried it eleventeen point four times). No, not because you finally got those wacky teabaggers to shut the hell up and stop hostaging America and let you kind of sort of do your part-time job . (Again because that is not actually something that will happen.) But it is because we read a bloggy thing on the interwebs , probably written by some layabout do-nothing from his mother's basement, about how signing up for that sweet sweet government O'Hitlercare is awful darned hard -- especially when you put the DC Health Exchange representative trying to help your whiny orange butt on hold for 35 minutes like some kind of dick (spoiler: you are some kind of dick) -- but you overcame and persevered and other verbs of courage and dedication, and voila! You are now all signed up to get taken off to the Obama Indoctrination FEMA Socialism camps. You can get all the mental health care you obviously need, plus tanning bed-induced skin cancer treatments, plus those slutty slutty slutpills what undermine our freedoms. Hooray for you, Johnny boy, you are now part of the problem! And according to Salon's Brian Beutler, who apparently had way too much time on his hands Thursday night, you're even probably getting a pretty good deal for an old smoking man.

Congratulations, dude. May you live long and retire early.

[ Speaker of the House / Salon ]