BREAKING Wonkette EXCLUSIVE: John F. Kennedy Was A Democrat Actually

Today is the 50th anniversary of the day some acting-alone asshole, or maybe a bunch of assholes at the CIA or the FBI or the mob or the men's-room attendant at the White House went and shot up that nice handsome president and ruined a perfectly good pink dress. You know all that, of course, because we have been commemorating this day for, let's see, 50 years, with all the minute-by-minute reports and videos and sobbing recollections from our parents and grandparents about where they were that day. But what you probably didn't know is that President Kennedy was -- hold on to your hats, kids, this is gonna shock you -- a DEMOCRAT.

Yes, it is true. This is an actual true fact. We know, we know. You are utterly confused, because according to the same people who think tax cuts solve everything and gravity is just, like, a theory man, Kennedy was, like Martin Luther King Jr. and Jesus, a Republican. Or at least, if he could zombie himself back to life today, he'd take a look around this socialist Holocausty black-man-in-the-White-House hell hole of a country and declare himself a Republican. The self-hating masochists at Media Matters have compiled a nifty roundup of some of the right's greatest derps. Let's dive in and learn some stuff, shall we?

Chris Wallace of Fox "News" claimed that some say Kennedy was a conservative because tax cuts, and he tried to force Kennedy's niece Kathleen Kennedy Townsend to agree with him, to which she replied by laughing right in his smug little face and reminded him that Kennedy's "cuts" still left taxes a whole hell of a lot lot higher than the cuts Republicans insist will save America from turning into a Marxist paradise. Then she probably went home and drank all the alcohol.

Fox's Neil Cavuto also tried to fuck that chicken, claiming, "No one has given a better argument for lowering taxes - and I include Ronald Reagan - than JFK. Go figure." See above re: Ms. Kathleen Kennedy Townsend laughing her ass off. Also see actual fucking history, during which Saint Reagan himself raised the hell out of taxes a whole bunch of times.

Limp-dicked pill-popping gasbag Rush Limbaugh, of course, insists that Kennedy was not actually A Librul because he was "proud to be an American." Unlike all the liberals everywhere who hate America so much, of course. Like all those liberals who want to secede from the country because they do not love it anymore now that there is a not-white president and would like to leave it. Oh wait. Those are actually conservatives. Never mind. Please go eat a bag of dicks, Rush. If you can get it up for that.

And then -- trigger warning for Glenn Beck -- there is Glenn Beck, who is too stupid even for Fox "News":

On his November 22 radio show, Glenn Beck claimed that Kennedy has been "co-opted by the left "and that "if you could bring back the politician JFK was, he wouldn't be accepted by the Republican Party because he would be a Tea Party radical" who "wouldn't even recognize what this country has become."

No, Glenn Beck, you are 137 shades of so wrong we don't even have the words for it -- and we are good with the words! -- so go sit in the corner and wear your tinfoil dunce cap, Jesus H. Christ.

Now, sure, all those blowhards are professional pundits whose job it is to say really dumb stuff to their really dumb audience so they will thump their chests and stick removable American flag decals on their trucks and shout MERICA! at the top of their lungs. But certainly no "serious" Republican who is supposed to be oh-so-smart would dare try to hijack Kennedy. Ha! Just kidding of course. Here is supersmart Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Canada), very cleverly praising Kennedy while yet somehow managing to omit the part about how Kennedy was -- that's right, kids -- a DEMOCRAT.

He put the world on notice the moment he took office that, as president, he would never sacrifice our freedoms.

There's that freedoms thing Republicans love to blah blah blah about so much, except for when eeeeeevil liberals want to apply it to people who happen to be not rich old white men.

He also recognized that a strong will alone would not protect America — a strong economy was needed as well. “America’s rise to world leadership in the century since the Civil War has reflected more than anything else our unprecedented economic growth,” he told the Economic Club of New York in 1962, in a speech that made the case for aggressive tax cuts which he later achieved.

Ooooh, clever how Cruz points out, like the rest of his Republican pals, that Kennedy was all about the tax cuts, which as we all know is a Republican idea, so even though Cruz doesn't spell it out, we're pretty sure we know what he's trying to say wink wink. We're also pretty sure someone should send some alcohol to one Ms. Kathleen Kennedy Townsend, stat, because she's probably out by now.

Cruz then wraps Kennedy all up in Reagan so you can hardly even tell them apart because apparently, they were basically the same guy.

Winning the Cold War may have been Ronald Reagan’s crowning achievement, but John Kennedy laid the foundation for the victory.

Then Cruz pretends Kennedy was all about the Bible-humping (pssst, just like today's Republicans):

President Kennedy understood that the essence of freedom and equality transcended politics. As he said, “The rights of man come not from the generosity of the state, but from the hand of God.”

We would do well to reflect on the wisdom of those words today.

As Americans, we have a God-given right to freedom that should be defended at every turn. JFK understood that, as we all should now.

Funny how Cruz leaves out the part that makes Rick Santorum vomit , when Kennedy was all, "I believe in America where the separation of church and state is absolute" and made it pretty damn clear that he would not be presidenting America according to the dictates of his Church, which is sort of the exact freaking opposite of today's Republican Party. (See, for example, Sen. Marco Rubio's 2012 bill to protect Catholic bishops from being sad, which he introduced the day after he heard his priest whine about it in church.)

It is not even nine in the AM yet here on the best coast, and we are sure there will be more revisionist history to come throughout this day, so we'd just like to make it perfectly clear out there for those of you who are now confused that JOHN F. KENNEDY WAS A DEMOCRAT who came from a Democratic family full of Democrats who love the Democratic Party like a bunch of Democrats because they were all Democrats, including John Kennedy, who was a Democrat. You're welcome.

[ Media Matters ]