House Nutball Caucus Files Articles Of Impeachment On Eric Holder, Elliot Richardson Still Dead

This has been a fun couple of days, what with watching the Cephalopod caucus in Congress run shrieking from the Affordable Care Act and dulling the pain by driving nails through our testicles and all. So you’ll forgive us if we missed the news that a few of the walking yeast infections on the Republican side of the House have filed articles of impeachment against Attorney General Eric Holder for the high crime of being a black man in charge of upholding laws instead of breaking them the way God and Rush Limbaugh intended.

Ha ha, we’re kidding! Of course Eric Holder has done all sorts of crimes. Otherwise would such intellectual luminaries as Michele Bachmann, Louie Gohmert, Ted “YOLO” Yoho, and this friggin’ guy have gone to all the trouble? Let’s take a quick look at the four (four! Nixon only got three! Holder is worse than Nixon, INPEACH!) articles of impeachment and join these upstanding lawmakers as they beat AG New Black Panther Dolemite with their Nightsticks of Justice.

Article I– FAST AND FUUUUURIOOOOUUUUSSSS! Something about not turning over documents that President Obama had exercised executive privilege over anyway, and since the F&F investigation was led by known lying sack of shit Darrell Issa (who couldn’t even lie his way into finding evidence of wrongdoing on Holder’s part because Darrell Issa sucks at everything including lying) we’re going to rate this one “Four AK-47 barrels blazing.”

Article II– Not enforcing certain laws like DOMA, which the Obama Administration had decided to not defend in court. It is called prosecutorial discretion, you poop-flinging nitwits. But sure, let’s impeach a sitting cabinet member for the first time in 137 years because you don’t like the thought of two men buying a house and shopping for curtains together.

Article III– Not prosecuting anyone in last summer’s IRS scandal. Probably because a zillion hours of hearings and investigations turned up absolutely zilch that is considered criminal by anyone who gets their news from anyplace but Townhall, and you guys know what we think of Townhall. 

Article IV– Something about Holder’s testimony over the potential prosecution of Fox News reporter for James Rosen under the Espionage Act. Which was actually a bad thing! But there is no evidence Holder actually perjured himself, which, you know, you kind of have to have if you’re going to impeach the guy.

Nothing about Holder’s myriad other violations though, like his refusal to go after the New Black Panthers for the crime of holding open doors for little old white ladies and not deporting every Hispanic person in the country not named Ted Cruz or Raul Labrador, because that would have been overkill.

[ Roll Call ]