Your Off-Off-Year Election Rounderp: All The Results You Already Know, Plus Weird Stuff

Election 2013 is all over but the shouting, which is mostly Chris Christie's job anyway, so let's review: New Jersey: Christie reelected, and a bunch of other people won elections, too. Have you heard of any of them? Neither have we. Should we care? We have a nagging feeling that we probably should.Virginia: Not sure we can say the good guys won, but theterrible guys lost, hooray!New York City: Bill DeBlasio wins Mayor, possibly because novelistJonathan Franzen voted for him. (Really, WSJ? You led with that?)Detroit: White dude wins job with no power; Sean Hannity will find a way to make that Obama's fault.Boise: Bond elections fail, fire department will not build new training facility.

In Virginia, terrible people Ken Cuccinelli and E.W. Jackson lost, while the attorney-general race between Democratic State Sen. Mark Herring and Republican State Sen. Mark Obenshain is still too close to call, and is likely to go to a recount. Expect Jackson to blame demons for his loss, and teabaggers to insist that next time, Republicans need to find some real conservatives for a change.

In Colorado, at least six of the 11 counties that had secession on the ballot have voted to stay aligned with Colorado; the other five are still counting ballots. Voters statewide also passed a measure to tax recreational marijuana, which should provide Republicans an issue to run on in 20 years.

In Minneapolis, the 35-candidate mayoral election clusterfuck ended with a decisive victoryfor apparently sane person Betsy Hodges; losers included "Captain Jack Sparrow," Stephanie Woodruff theSaran-Wrapped candidate, and lake-coffee-drinking Jeff Wagner, who took a break from simulated masturbation to record this gracious concession video (includes bleeped obscenities):

But hey, he's built a brand!