the fat man has sung

Oh, OK, Rob Ford Smoked All The Crack.

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Toronto Mayor Rob Ford admitted today that he actually has smoked crack cocaine, as it turns out. Probably just slipped his mind. After a rather bizarre set-up — “You asked me a question back in May, and you can repeat that question” — Ford told reporters,

“Yes, I have smoked crack cocaine. I am an addict? No. Have I tried it? Probably in one of my drunken stupors, probably about a year ago.”

Ford added that he’s “made mistakes,” and that all he can do now is to “apologize and move on.” Sounds good to us! It’s so nice to have all that unpleasantness behind us, isn’t it?

Best new lie: “I wasn’t lying. You didn’t ask the correct questions.” You know. Like the question back in May that he asked the reporter to repeat today. It was the wrong question in May, but it’s the right question today. Also, he was too blitzed to remember anyone holding up a cell phone, so he wasn’t lying when he denied the existence of a video of him smoking crack. Ford says that he’d like the video to be released so that everyone can see what’s on it, if only to satisfy his own curiosity — “I want to see the state I was in.”

Toronto Star City Hall Reporter Daniel Dale tweets that the final question to Ford was “Are you drunk right now?” (check 2:15 — we heard “Are you on drugs right now?”… Discuss!)

As for what happens next, we’ll assume that it will follow the usual script, with a resignation, trip to rehab, and so on, but at this point, it’s not clear exactly when — Toronto’s City council lacks the power to force him to leave unless he’s convicted of a crime. Over the weekend, Ford was still insisting that he planned to run for reelection, which seems completely unlikely now, but then again, this is Rob Freakin’ Ford, and he might actually try campaigning from a jail cell, like a poutine- and crack-fueled Eugene V. Debs.

Earlier today, in another moment of weirdness that was quickly overshadowed by the Mayor’s admission, Ford’s brother Doug Ford, who is on the City Council, called for the resignation of Toronto Police Chief Bill Blair, claiming that Blair “is the most political police chief we’ve ever had” and “needs to step down immediately.” Who better to identify political bias against a political figure than his older brother? But wait, why was he biased against the Hon. Mayor Ford? Because he said he had seen the video, and was “disappointed.” Which is the Canadian version of putting him in a FEMA camp. We guess.

Stay tuned: We guarantee there will be more fuckery before this whole sad spectacle is over. The one thing that seems guaranteed is that Rob Ford has already overshot “graceful exit” territory by several light-years.

Sponsored Intermission

[Toronto Star / Toronto Star liveblog / CBCNews]

About the author

Doktor Zoom Is the pseudonym of Marty Kelley, who lives in Boise, Idaho. He acquired his nym from a fan of Silver-Age comics after being differently punctual to too many meetings. He is not a medical doctor, although he has a real PhD (in Rhetoric and Composition).

View all articles by Doktor Zoom


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