ALL THE DERP THAT'S FIT TO HERP  4:12 pm November 2, 2013

Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Cache Of Crazy

by Doktor Zoom

You stay Derpy, San DiegoHappy Saturday, Wonkaroonies, and welcome to another installment of Derp Roundup, where we stomp on a bunch of stories that were too stoopid to ignore altogether, but not quite enough to do a full post on, to squeeze out whatever funny may still be in them. If the mixture tastes a little off, add booze. (This almost exactly how they make “Sunny Delight.”)

  • Item Numero Uno is not strictly Political Derp, but we do Media Derp, too. Plus it is from Yr Dok Zoom’s own hometown of Boise, Idaho. On Thursday, KIVI teevee sportsball guy Paul Gerke did his entire four-minute segment in costume and character as Ron Burgundy, which we understand was a character played by the great comedic actor “Kevin Nealon.” It’s just about the most press that our fair city has gotten since the Broncos won the Siesta Bowl sportsball tournament a few years ago, so we are obliged to write about it. Thanks for the national attention, Deadspin! Nice for Idaho to get some attention that involves neither neo-nazis nor Senator Widestance. Video after the jump, for those of you who are into celebrity impressions that add a Minnesota accent to a character that didn’t originally have one.

  • A bit more Halloween-related Derp (or maybe it’s just awful?): On Wednesday, Slate found the most horrifying local-paper headline of the season, from the Kenosha News: Police: Man in clown makeup dangled child from railroad overpass. You can also add to that a lede that seems to have been copy-pasted straight out of that one Stephen King novel:

    A woman called police after she saw a man in clown makeup dragging screaming children into the woods east of the 4800 block of 13th Court about 2 a.m. Sunday.

    And then it ceases being funny, if it was at all; what happened was that Antonio Brown, drunk and returned from a Halloween party, wanted to take his (hopefully now-former) girlfriend’s kids, 8 and 13, for a walk. When they didn’t want to, he grabbed them and dragged them off, forcing them to drink, and when they tried to run away, that’s when he dangled the 13-year old from the overpass, threatening, “If you try that again, I’m going to drop you.” Brown has been charged with child abuse and reckless endangerment, and faces a possible sentence of 16 years if convicted. Let’s hope.

    Now that we look back over it, that’s not funny. But still, scary clown. You must respect the meme, at least.

  • More traditional Halloween Derp, with no endangered children this time: Some gentlemen in Hyndman, Pennsylvania wore these very humorous costumes to a bar called the “Hillbilly Haven,” where they reportedly received a standing ovation:
    Somehow, some people thought this might be racist.Needless to say, there were people defending it as “just a joke” because of course no actual presidents were lynched, don’t be RIDICULOSE. Also, just for laughs, the guy in the red robe later posted a photo of himself wearing a sombrero with the robe, with the hilarious explanation that he was now in the “Mexiklan.” No word yet on whether these guys will be hired to entertain at the next League of the South awards dinner.
  • Straight up derp, no more Halloween: The Washington Times ran this headline about Barack Obama’s decision to not attend a ceremony commemorating the 150th anniversary of Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address: “Obama diss: President snubs historic Gettysburg 150th anniversary ceremony.” Of course, had he decided to go, the headline would have been “Imperial Hubris: In midst of collapsing support, Barack Obama tries to resurrect image by upstaging Lincoln commemoration.”
  • Gawker found this inspiring advice from motivational speaker Joel Osteen, which has for some reason since disappeared from his twitter feed.osteen tweetWe were far more taken with this tweeted expression of solidarity by SNL contributor Sarah Beattie, posted during Friday’s shooting incident at LAX:

    my prayers and thoughts are with everyone tweeting about the bad traffic at LAX

    This tweet, too, was eventually deleted, we’ll guess because Ms. Beattie got really damn tired of explaining the joke to people who need to take irony supplements.

  • Rush Limbaugh discovered that Barack Obama has once again done something more scandalous than Watergate, because 3% of people who have insurance will not be able to renew the very shitty plans that their insurers are choosing to drop, and proclaimed “Richard Nixon resigned over a lie nowhere near this big.” We’ll leave it to you Terrible Ones to plumb all the depths of derp in that comparison.
  • In news of the English Only movement, last Sunday a Wisconsin man beat up two men who he overheard speaking Hebrew, while yelling at them to speak English. He told police that he thought that they were guilty of speaking “Spanish.” And in Brooklyn, New York, a lawsuit was filed against an MTA bus driver who refused to allow a 10-year-old boy to board his bus because he heard the child saying a prayer in Arabic. The boy had misplaced his MetroCard, and as he searched for it, and found it, the bus driver heard him say a brief prayer of thanks in that filthy heathen language: “I stand in the name of God the most merciful, the most beneficent.” The patriotic bus driver then called the boy a “terrorist, slammed the bus door, and refused to allow the little suicide bomber to board. We feel more safer already. Don’t you, also too?

There’s your Derp for the week. How on earth did we get through this thing without a single story from Florida?

[YouTube via Deadspin / Kenosha News via Slate / ClassWarfareExists / Washington Times / Gawker / Rush Limbaugh / RawStory / Gawker]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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