Wonkette Special Investigative Report: The Lost Republican Obamacare Ads

  Affordable Care Act 1 Scene 1

You already know about the hilarious and timely GOP videos parodying Apple’s Mac vs. PC ads that are timely and also hilarious! But what you don’t know is that the ads on the Republican National Committee’s website aren’t the only scripts that were written.

Our Wonkette Special Investigative Team has uncovered the lost, unproduced scripts that the RNC didn’t want you to see.

“Pre-Existing”

Private Sector
Hello, I’m the private sector.

Obamacare
And I’m Obamacare!

Private Sector
Obamacare, I have to tell you about this hilarious thing that happened. This woman wanted me to help pay for her chemo for her breast cancer — Happy Breast Cancer Awareness Month, by the way! – but it was super expensive. So we looked into her files and it turns out that 22 years ago, she briefly saw a therapist because she was feeling down, and she forgot to mention that on her application. Hello, pre-existing condition! Good luck paying for your chemo on your own, lady.

Obamacare
Yeah, you can’t do that anymore.

Private Sector
Wait, what?

“College Kids”

Private Sector
Hello, I’m the private sector.

Obamacare
And I’m Obamacare!

Private Sector
Obamacare, don’t you just love it when kids heads to college? It’s like watching the future take shape. They’re so optimistic and excited, and getting their real first taste of independence. Plus I really love kicking them off their parents’ insurance.

Obamacare
Yeah, you can’t do that anymore.

Private Sector
Wait, what?

“The Ladies”

Private Sector
Hello, I’m the private sector.

Obamacare
And I’m Obamacare!

Private Sector
God, I love charging women more.

Obamacare
Yeah, you can’t do that anymore.

Private Sector
Wait, what?

“Fun Game”

Private Sector
Hello, I’m the private sector.

Obamacare
And I’m Obamacare!

Private Sector
So I have this great game. Want to play?

Obamacare
What is it?

Private Sector
You pick someone at random, and kick them off their health insurance. Whoever comes up with the most outlandish reason for throwing them out wins. You should see their faces!

Obamacare
Yeah, you can’t do that anymore.

Private Sector
Wait, what?

“Heart”

Private Sector
Hello, I’m the private sector.

Obamacare
And I’m Obamacare!

Private Sector
Obamacare, I have to tell you about the sweetest, bravest little girl I met. Her name’s Chloe, she’s eight years old, and she was born with a heart condition that has meant surgery after surgery just to keep her alive. She’s spent so much of her life in the hospital, but she is just the brightest, cheeriest girl you could imagine. She has this big stuffed bear she called “Mr. Bear,” and she takes it everywhere. They’re best friends! Oh, and here’s the best part. Her family just reached their lifetime cap on coverage, so I don’t have to pay their bills any more. They were getting pretty expensive!

Obamacare
Yeah, you can’t do that anymore.

Private Sector
Wait, what?

“Free”

Private Sector
Hello, I’m the private sector.

Obamacare
And I’m Obamacare!

Private Sector
I’m kind of bored today. Think I’ll jack up the co-pays for kids’ check-ups.

Obamacare
Nope.

Private Sector
Birth control?

Obamacare
Free.

Private Sector
Immunizations?

Obamacare
Free.

Private Sector
Cholesterol tests? Cancer screenings? Alcoholism counseling?

[Obamacare shakes his head]

Private Sector
You’re a dick, Obamacare.

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About the author

Jesse Berney has provided a voice online for a wide array of Democrats and progressives, including Bill and Hillary Clinton. He is currently the principal of Jefferson Street Strategies, an Internet communications, strategy, and fundraising consulting firm. You can find him on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/jesseberney

View all articles by Jesse Berney

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