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Capitalist Running Dogs Rand Paul And Alan Greenspan Will Teach You Dumb Liberals About Capitalism

We know how it feels.Gosh, we are such dumb liberals! We thought we knew all about capitalism, an economic system most of us have lived with our entire lives. We thought we knew all about private ownership, and free markets, and the commodification of labor, and investment, and consumption, and all that jazz! And we thought we knew about the externalities like pollution and poverty and political corruption that come from capitalism, and how they are bad. So dumb! So liberal! Ugh, we disgust ourselves. Thank heavens there are men like Rand Paul and Alan Greenspan to set us straight.

Open wide, dumb liberals, because here is Rand Paul on Hannity to regurgitate Economy Facts about Obamacare into your hungry gullets:

“[I]t’s a big danger turning a sixth of your economy — our health care is a sixth of our economy — turning all of that over to government in one fell swoop.”

This is Rand Paul explaining that the private insurance companies that will enroll you in private insurance plans are “the government.” They have been telling you dumb liberals this for years, why are you so thick?

And those Obamacare ads, which to Hannity are “like old former Soviet Union propaganda,” what is up with those? Rand Paul will clear it all up with an incisive rhetorical question:

“If it’s so good [...] why do they have to advertise to get you to do it?”

Mind: blown. It’s so clear now! We always wondered why we don’t ever see advertisements for breathing air or blinking our eyes. Now we know. Unlike communist plots such as new cars or Applebee’s, we don’t need to be told these things are good. We just feel it in our free-market souls. But how did we get to be so dumb, Rand Paul?

“Liberals have no idea how capitalism works.”

OK, well that doesn’t really answer our question, but sure! We really did not know that private insurance companies were actually “the government,” and we sure didn’t know that if a thing is “good” you don’t need to advertise it. Now, if only an old man with lips like fat, toxic caterpillars were here to explain why God’s ordained system of capitalism screwed up so bad in 2008? Oh, hey Alan Greenspan on The Daily Show!

So what happened, buddy?

“The simple premise that we all made was that people [bankers] would act rationally in their long-term self interest.”

Oh, did we “all” make that simple premise? Or did your girlfriend Ayn Rand make that simple premise, and by “simple,” we mean “stupid” and “easily disproved.”

“I don’t think they fully understood the types of risks that were out there.”

But surely they knew that it was not smart to take “30 to 1″ risks, as Jon Stewart pointed out?

“Sometimes people are a little screwy.”

Well, that settles it! We have found the real killer, and it is the screwy. So what do we do about it?

“Increase capital requirements.”

Yes, the amount of money banks need to hold onto to ensure solvency. Greenspan thinks these should be twice as high as they are now. But will that happen?

“No.”

Of course, Jon Stewart didn’t ask about when Greenspan seemed perfectly fine with easing capital requirements back in 2004. There is probably a perfectly logical explanation for Greenspan’s 180 here, but we are liberals, and therefore too dumb to understand.

[The Blaze / The Daily Show / Real Clear Markets]

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